Nefretiri
I was scaring him.
Ivan has my arms, and it hurts. His grip is like nothing I've felt. Yet, I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. His hands are shaking. The shallowness of his breathing sounds like he's about to have a panic attack. His emotions are there for me to see, and they scream one thing.
Fear.
"You're..." I tried to move away, but I couldn't budge. "You're hurting me..."
"What?" He didn't realize what he was doing. Looking at his hands, he lets me go, staring at himself in shock. "I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Rubbing my arms, I tried to defuse the situation. I know the difference between someone getting lost in the moment and actually wanting to hurt you. "I'm okay. You're... really strong."
"No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have done that." He sounded so ashamed. I didn't know what to do with that. Violence? I know how to handle it, but not this. "I know better. Werewolves are stronger than humans. I should've remembered that, but... I'm sorry."
"It's really okay," I said, not liking how he was yelling at himself in his head. It's not like I can hear it, but I sense it. "I was talking to myself. I... didn't mean to startle you."
For whatever reason, something I'd said sent him into a panic.
"I thought I heard you..." He grew quiet, sitting down and putting his face in his hands. "I thought you were rejecting me."
"Rejecting you?" What was he talking about? "What is that?"
Unsure what else to do, I sat beside him. My hand found its way to his, intertwining our fingers. I don't know why I did it. It just felt right. I offered him comfort without getting too intimate, but something told me that wouldn't help us.
"A bond can be broken," he said, as quiet as a mouse, the fear so evident now that it was numbing. "If one of us didn't want to be soulmates, we could break the bond. We'd never stop being soulmates, but our connection would be severed."
"You mentioned that at the store..." I thought back to what he'd said when he made his offer. "You said... If I didn't want to be with you, you'd reject me. Right?"
"Yeah..."
The thought was agonizing. My chest tightened, and pain raced up and down my arms like I was having a heart attack and stroke. It was like my whole being couldn't stand the idea of being rejected. Now, I understood Ivan's reaction.
"I wasn't rejecting you," With a light squeeze, I tried not to sound as shaken as I did, but my lip refused to stop quivering. "I was... rejecting Ricky and his family. I don't want to be part of that anymore. I don't even know why I said it like that. It just... felt right."
"That... could be a good idea," he said, facing me. "Is that what you really want?"
"Wait... I didn't mean like that. Ricky is definitely not my soulmate. He's my husband, and I don't know if I believe in soulmates." That might be more than a lie. I did believe in them. I just didn't think I deserved one. "Wait... does this mean you could reject me?"
""No, of course not." I've never heard someone give an answer so quickly.
"But... you were afraid I would. Doesn't that mean you could too? It's about free will, right?"
"Yes. We have free will, but I could never reject you."
I wanted to believe him.
'Such pretty words from a man who expects you to expose all your secrets but won't share his.' There was that voice again. I knew it was too much to hope it was gone. 'Why do you think he's panicking at the idea of you rejecting him? A secure man with no sins wouldn't be so anxious.'
"I don't want to go back to Ricky," damn that inner voice. It sounded so rational when it wasn't mocking me and had a point. "But... I... really don't know what I want to do. Soulmates is something I never thought I'd need to think about."
"I know, and we'll take it as slow as you want. Years if that's what you need. I'm happy to do that. Nefra, I'm just happy to have you in my life."
'Sounds perfect. What's the catch?'
"What would I have to do if I go with you?"
"Nothing."
'Really? Nothing? And what? Eventually, you fall for his charm and end up in his bed? What then? Do you let him claim you? Do you become his good little bitch? Or do you breed him a den of pups? Imagine it. Werewolves with the power of sorcerers. You can't deny that's an appealing prospect for an Alpha. He'd be unstoppable.'
"That seems too good to be true," I hated myself for this, but I needed to know. "You'd be alright with me not taking this Luna position? For me to just be there in your pack? I don't think anyone else would be okay with that."
"Nefra... You are Luna. That's your birthright, but I won't make you if you don't want to be an active leader. We've done okay. Some people can do the job."
'Oh, so we're useless? That's nice. Doesn't that mean he's giving us work that's not ours? Funny. It sounds like he's making up work for us to do, so we stick around. How do you feel about that?' What was wrong with me? That's not what he was saying. Was it?
"So... you don't actually need me to do anything? Someone else does the Luna's job, and you just want me around like a what? An accessory? A pet?" I got up and started to pace.
"No! Of course not!" Ivan rose too, the phone barely offering enough light to see his expression. "We haven't had a Luna since my grandmother. Since then, others have had to do the job. It's not the same thing. Plus, there's a power struggle."
'Oh, politics! You're so good at that!' The sarcasm rivaled mine, and my body stiffened at the idea.
"Politics?" Nothing could freeze me up more. The muffin tops always tried to get me to go for politics, but I couldn't. My opinions were too scattered, and I could never choose a side. "I'm not good at that. I... can't do that kind of job."
"And you wouldn't have to." Placing his hands on my shoulders, Ivan tried to soothe me. Maybe he mistook my reaction for panic, but it was so much worse. "I can't even do it most of the time. That's why we have a Beta and Gamma. They help out. I have a council, and there are elders. We wouldn't do things alone."
"That's a lot more politics," Ivan didn't get it. I saw the threads that tied everything together. If there was a council and elders, then there would be internal conflicts of interest. I'd been isolated from normal people for too long to know how to handle things like that. "I can't even win a debate over what to have for dinner!"
"You're wrong," Ivan's hands found their way under my tank top, rubbing my sides. My anxiety lessened, and I immediately pulled away.
"Don't do that!" As much as I wanted to lavish in the euphoric effects of his touch, I needed the panic. It kept my thoughts clear. "Don't try to manipulate me with this bond. I need to think for myself."
"I'm not trying to do that," raising his hands, Ivan took a step back. "I'm just trying to help you calm down like you did for me."
When had I done that?
'You're not even brave enough to touch him. How will you handle a pack?' the voice sneered, and I had to fight the urge to mimic the action. 'You're so scared to fail, and you will. You'll show everyone that you're not worthy of being Luna. You'll bring them down.'
"You should reject me!" I yelled, scaring Ivan and myself.
"What?" The calm Ivan had disappeared again, and now we're both on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "No!"
"I can't do this. I can't be Luna. I'm not good enough." I started rambling, walking away from him, only to come back. "I'll mess everything up. You need someone else. Someone who knows what they're doing and... I can't. I'll let you down."
"Nefra! Baby! Calm down!" Ivan grabbed me, and he didn't give me a chance to protest this time. He stripped off his jacket and shirt and lifted my top to expose my stomach.
"No!" I struggled, but he didn't let me. Now, I was off the ground, my legs wrapped around his waist and my bare skin pressed against his. The effect was instant. "Stop that."
"No, you need this..." Ivan relaxed his breathing, holding me close before sitting on the bench. He said nothing else, holding me the same way he had earlier.
The pleasant fog returned, taking control of my thoughts, and I stopped thinking of anything but him, including how he felt, his scent, and how safe I felt in his arms. The voice became silent, and I was alone in my head. It felt nice but also terrifying. What kind of power did he have over me to change my mood like this? Was I my own person?
"Please stop," my voice trembled as I begged for autonomy, something I wasn't sure I needed.
"I will never make you do anything. I will never take away your ability to think for yourself." I was shocked that he understood my fear but didn't let me move, kissing my forehead. "All I'm doing is helping you calm down. That's all. Is that okay?"
Not trusting my voice, I nodded, resting my cheek on his chest. I did feel better. The anxiety was gone, and I could still think. He was right. The initial fog was a nice vibration but not as overpowering. The more I embraced it, the easier it was to find my center.
"Nefra? I will never ever reject you. Not if it's up to me." the growl in his voice sent tingles down my spine and between my legs. I had to fight not to wiggle, or he'd know what he did to me. "Yes. I want to be with you, and I want you as my Luna, but if that's not what you want, then I won't make you. If you stay with me and become Luna of the Sebryanyy Kinzhal, we'll take it as slow as you need. No one will ask you to do anything until you're fully trained and you'll have all the support in the world. Goddess forbid anyone tries to make you do more than you're ready for... I know it's a lot, and I'm sorry. We should've talked about this later, but I don't want to lie to you."
"I don't like the idea of you rejecting me," I mumbled, my nose stinging as I sucked back the tears. "It hurts."
"I know... I feel the same," Ivan made that strange, mournful whine again, and I tried to imagine any other human making it. "It hurts me too."
"I don't like this," I confessed more to myself, but I kept mumbling, readjusting myself to rest on Ivan's shoulder. "My emotions go sideways, and I don't know why."
"It's the bond," Ivan explained, his hands rubbing my back as his lips brushed against my neck and shoulder. "We're talking about the concept of breaking it. The magic is going to fight against that."
"That's stupid."
"Agreed."
It took a long time for things to calm down. Neither of us wanted to move, and by the time I'd settled my emotions to something resembling normal, I looked like a koala. How did werewolves function if they felt like this all the time? How would I? If the bond's magic didn't want to be broken and caused this kind of reaction, how would I make a genuine choice?
"What's this?" something pressed against my chest, and I felt sane enough to ask about it.
"My dog tags," Ivan said, looking down. He moved one hand from my back to hold up the chain.
"You were in the military?" Honestly, I wasn't shocked.
"Marine Corp," it was the first time I heard real pride in him. Whatever else was going on, Ivan was proud of being a Marine.
"Are you still one?" I'd met a few soldiers in New York but never a Marine, so I knew nothing about them.
"Always," I felt his smile as he pressed another kiss to my shoulder, his breathing still a steady rhythm to keep me calm. "You never stop being a Marine, but I was discharged three years ago."
"Why did you leave?" My curiosity was piqued. Cautiously, I sat up, my fingers finding the chain and tracing the edges of the tags. I expected him to pull them away, but he didn't. The metal felt warm, making me wonder if he ever took them off. This was a massive part of his identity; I didn't need to ask to understand that. So, why did he leave?
"A few reasons... I got hurt on my last deployment. Took me a while to heal, even as a werewolf. I was planning to go back afterward, but..." he stopped, finally taking back the tags. "I couldn't reenlist."
"Oh." I felt disappointed. He really didn't want to tell me anything, even though he promised. Could I expect more? No, but I'd hoped.
"I told you I'd tell you everything, and I will, but... This is part of that story. Are you sure you want to hear it?" Even with the hesitation in his voice, I knew he meant it. So much for what I'd thought a second ago.
"Yes," I wanted to know, even though I was afraid of the answer. So, I turned my body sideways, resting my head on his shoulder with my legs dangling over his thighs. It was oddly comfortable. "Before I decide anything, I want to know your story."
"Okay..." Exhaling a heavy breath, looking up at the sky, Ivan leaned back. "My uncle died three years ago. I was recovering, and there was a rogue attack. He was the Alpha, and the title went to me with him gone."
I wanted to say something, but what could I say? I'm sorry felt hollow and something else too condescending. When my mom died, all I wanted was comfort, not words. So, I grabbed his hand like I did before and pressed it against my chest. The gesture felt stupid, but Ivan held me closer.
"I've trained my entire life to take over. Most Alpha's take over around twenty-one after they come back from service, but I held out a little longer..."
"Every werewolf does military service?" That was curious. It reminded me of countries in South America that had rules like that.
"Every supernatural," Ivan corrected, and it left me stunned. "It's odd you didn't have to, and we'll have to look into that, but there's a law that states every one of us has to do three years of military service. Most go through the dragon army, but a loophole from the civil war lets us enlist into the human military as long as we sign a document promising we'll fight on behalf of the dragon king if a war breaks out. It's stupid, but-"
"Wait!" he gave me a lot of information, and I didn't understand half of it. "Dragon army? Dragon king? What is that?"
I felt a headache forming, my brain nudging at me like I was supposed to know something and didn't.
'Maybe Ricky did use magic on me...'
"Without going into a lot of history and politics..." Ivan clicked his tongue, clearly frustrated with the topic. "All supernaturals are ruled by one king. The dragon king Shakka. He rules through the Royal court and the army. Doesn't matter what race. We all follow his laws, including the one for service. You go in at seventeen and come out when you're twenty unless you choose to stay in. That's how it's been for centuries."
"One guy rules everyone?" That didn't feel right. "But... how does he keep control. Is everyone happy with that arrangement?"
"No, but Shakka is a very complicated creature with a very bloody history. No one who's gone against him has won."
That was hard to swallow, but some unconscious instinct warned me to be careful.
It's the same feeling animals get when there's a predator around. Even hearing his name felt like a weight was being pressed against me. Why hadn't Sarah ever mentioned him or the Royal court? She'd had plenty of opportunities to talk about it, but she never did. What about Liam or Maggie? Why had they kept that information from me?
"So... you all go into the military, and you wanted to stay, but you got hurt, and your uncle died..." That was a decent recap. "Did you want to be Alpha?"
"You know something?" Ivan laughed, his body shaking so hard I thought I'd fall off his lap. "No one's ever asked me that before."
"No one?" I found that hard to believe.
"No one," he confirmed, startling me when he pushed himself up and sat on the table with his legs on the bench. "The closest I came to that conversation was when I was a teenager, and I asked my uncle why my cousin Vince wouldn't be Alpha instead of me. He said the position was mine, and Vince would be Gamma, my dad's old position."
"I'm going to assume there's a story to all that."
"There is. My cousin is my uncle's adopted son. Sadly, my uncle lost his mate before they were ever together. Vince was her nephew, and he was left orphaned. So, Tony took him in. You met him. The guy with brown eyes, crew cut, windbreaker?"
"The one making faces at Penelope?" I remembered him. "He grabbed the spaghetti for me."
"Yeah, that's Vince." I wonder if all werewolves are so attractive. Vince wasn't as hot as Ivan, but there wouldn't be many women or men who wouldn't call him handsome. "And no, I didn't want to be Alpha. Not yet, but I didn't have a choice. The pack needed me, and I had a duty to fulfill."
"But you wanted to be a soldier..."
"I did," He agreed, something changing in his tone. "I won't lie. I've seen the worst of the world. There's a lot I won't ever get out of my head. Sometimes, people ask themselves how others can be evil, but I don't. There are monsters out there, and they're not always supernaturals."
"I can believe that," all I needed to do was think of Ricky.
"That said. I was proud of what I did. I've saved lives and changed them. Stood beside people who'll be my family till I take my last breath because we did impossible things together, but I've also been the monster. I've killed a lot of people, Nefra. That's not something I'll lie about because if I had to kill now, I'd do it without thinking. It's part of who I am, not just as a soldier but as a wolf. At the end of the day, I'm a predator, and it's part of what I am."
He wasn't justifying anything. To him, this was a fact, and I was now in a position where I had to process how I felt about it. That was difficult. How did you deal with someone saying that to you, especially with who I was married to? Ricky enjoyed killing, but did it make a difference to Ivan that he was a soldier and a wolf? Or was it the same thing?
"I won't apologize for what I've done, Nefra..." He kept going, taking my silence for uncertainty. "I can't. If I start, then I'll question every kill I made. That'll drive me crazy. Sometimes, I've thought about it... Whether someone deserved to die and if I could go back if I'd do the same thing, and I'll be honest... I would."
"Did you ever kill someone for the fun of it?" Honestly, I meant to think that, not say it, but now that it was out, I wanted an answer.
"No, I never kill just for the sake of killing," Ivan would never know how relieved I was to hear that. "But... I won't pretend I've never enjoyed a kill. Like I said, I'm a wolf. Hunting is part of our nature. But I swear I've never taken a life without cause."
"Then you're doing better than Ricky," I started playing with his tags again, needing something to distract my mind. "He kills for fun. We saw that."
"Death is death, Nefra. I'm not going to pretend there isn't a part of me that's like him. Maybe not the same monster, but still a monster."
"I don't believe that. If that was true. You wouldn't have hesitated to kill them even if I asked you not to. That might not seem like much, but it is." I don't know why I was making excuses, but I was, and for once, there was no guilt behind it. "I think all soldiers feel like you do at some point. You see more than we do, and I can't imagine how bad it can be. That doesn't make you bad or a monster. But I get it... I've never killed anyone, but I feel like I have."
"That's different..."
"It's not. But I don't see the point in arguing about it." I would always feel that guilt, but I didn't want to face it tonight, not again. "So, what happened after you took over your pack?"
I had to fight the urge to call it our pack.
"At first, everything worked. There was always something that needed handling, and I didn't have to think about anything except fixing the problems. There wasn't time to grieve or worry about anything... Until one day, there was no crisis left to solve. We were moving forward, and the pack was recovering from what we'd lost. Now, there was quiet and..."
"Things caught up with you..." That was something I understood all too well.
"Yeah, and I... stopped being able to function anymore," burying his face in my hair. Ivan took several deep breaths as if bracing himself for the rest. "Nefra? This will get worse. Are you sure you're ready?"
Honestly, I wasn't sure I was.