Now I'm irritated, I stand up straighter there is no way I'm gonna let him shame me because of the types of books i choose to read,so what if I predominantly read romance.
"Is there a problem with that?" I ask, my voice a lot calmer than I intended.
He lets out a condescending chuckle and i can feel the heat rising in my bloodstream as he says "No,no offense i just think it's a little cheesy and kind of overrated,i know girls love romance books but..i don't know why but you strike me as someone who would typically be into more deep you know intellectual type of books you know?"
He thinks I'm not intellectual because I mostly read romance.
He had his back turned to me,he is closing the door to his balcony,so he couldn't see the effect his words had on me.
I have had people judge my reading choices in the past and by people i mean my father,anytime he'd see me reading a romance book or anything relatively related to romance he'd always make sure to let me know how stupid it is , how dumb he thinks i am he'd give me a lecture of at least five minutes telling me how i should stop feeding myself with childish fantasies and love bullshit he'd tell me that love doesn't exist in real life practicality does,and how it's all a money making rouse.
He'd always say that and i'd always ball my eyes out after he left me with those words that made me feel so less and stupid.
Because sometimes i couldn't help but see the truth in the what he said.
And i do see how stupid it might seem, maybe he is right and I'm just a silly little girl wishing, hoping, dreaming on something that is only meant for the pages
It's comically ironic that my favorite genre is romance even when everything from my childhood was pointing in every direction other than that.
But right now i am not gonna cry like i used to, I'm so tired of crying, so tired of feeling bad being me, i have done that for way too long.
I'm not gonna let him see me crack not again.
Even though i can feel my chest getting tight and my throat start to get itchy,the weight of his words crushing me.
I force my self to take deep steady breaths trying to tune his words out like i learned to do.
I do the breathing exercise mom taught me to do when i used to get panic attacks anytime i'd overhear them arguing.
I close my eyes and focus on the way the cool air feels as it enters through my nostrils before going down i feel it travel down my windpipe before splitting into my lungs like a river branching into two streams, i feel the oxygen pass through the delicate walls of the alveoli before dispersing into my bloodstream sending calming signals to my brain, telling me to relax reminding me that it will all pass.
I can feel it on the tip of my ear and in my toes.
I am calm,i have to be.
His words don't define you june
I remind myself another mantra my mom taught me.
I am calm when my eyes flutter open and i see him walking towards me concern lace his features.
I can't even bring my eyes up to look at him i try to take a step back but my back is met with a hard wall.
I hate that he just said those things to me and still has the nerve to look concerned.
I need to get out of here, Now.