There were three things Rei had come to accept as fundamental laws of his existence:
1. Peace was a myth.
2. Privacy was a luxury.
3. And any educational institution he set foot in would inevitably devolve into a magical death trap filled with jealous lovers, exploding potions, and mysterious muffins with emotional manipulation enchantments.
But this morning… this morning was different.
It started peacefully.
Birds chirped.
Sunlight filtered through stained glass windows.
His tea was lukewarm instead of poisoned.
And then:
[System Update: Wife Faction Infiltration Detected in 7 Classes]
[Note: This academy is now 48% yandere-controlled.]
[Probability of Neutral Education: 2%. Also, nice knowing you.]
"Wait, what do you mean '48% yandere-controlled'?!" Rei shot upright in his dorm room, tea flying from his hands like a startled anime protagonist.
[System Clarification: Due to factional spread and weaponized extra credit, Wife Factions now control nearly half of Royal Magic Academy. Common tactics include class infiltration, seductive bribery, and hex-based bullying.]
"...Hex-based bullying?!"
[Example: Student 'Rudy' was hexed into believing he was married to a cabbage after complimenting Emilia.]
"Oh for—"
A frantic knock interrupted his descent into despair.
"Master Rei!" came the flustered voice of his butler-turned-saboteur, Winston. "There's been another... incident. Or perhaps a hostile takeover. Hard to say these days."
Rei swung open the door.
Beyond it stood Winston, with one eye twitching and a stack of "Totally Not Threatening" love letters trembling in his hands. One was vibrating ominously.
"Three more teachers have joined Lilia's Husbandology Cult," Winston muttered. "Also, Rosette has replaced all the chalkboards with enchanted rune-scrolls that scream 'Hands Off My Man' in seventeen languages."
Behind him, the hallway was in utter chaos.
Two girls from Chemistry Class 3B were wrestling over a lunchbox labeled "FOR REI. CONSUME AND FALL FOR ME." A third was conjuring a heart-shaped meteor.
"I just wanted to study summoning," Rei whispered weakly.
"Summoning's been canceled," Winston said. "They replaced it with 'Advanced Emotional Possession 302.'"
[System Notification: You are now the primary subject of 13 magical dissertations and 1 ominous spell thesis titled 'Rei's Soul and How to Own It'.]
"I. Hate. School."
8:00 AM — Illusions Class (Or So the Schedule Claimed)
Rei sat in the front row.
Beside him, Emilia took notes diligently, unaware—or perhaps too eerily calm about—the knife marks on the blackboard that spelled "BACK OFF NORMAL GIRL."
The professor walked in wearing a tie that read "TEAM ROSALIA" and set down a stack of glowing pop quizzes that hissed like snakes.
Rei squinted.
"Why is that test… bleeding?"
"Don't worry," Emilia said with a sunny smile. "If it attacks, I'll shield you."
He stared.
She blinked innocently.
[System Alert: Emilia Affection Level = 46%. Dangerous Zone Activated.]
[Warning: Five Wife Factions on RED ALERT.]
[Recommended Action: Fake Illness, Ingest Dirt, or Die. Pick One.]
Great, Rei thought. The only sane girl left is now public enemy number one.
As if summoned by that thought, the door blew off its hinges.
"REI~!"
Five voices shrieked in tandem, each echoing through the classroom like banshees of romantic doom.
Rosette. Drakana. Lilia. Seraphina. And—why was that elf girl Ayana dressed as a janitor?
"YOU!" Rosette pointed a gloved hand directly at Emilia. "I saw you... smile at him!"
"I was just taking notes," Emilia replied. "The class is about illusion-based concealment—"
"Oh, how convenient," Seraphina hissed. "Concealing your intentions, are you?!"
"Enough!" Drakana's voice boomed, dragon aura crackling. "This class now belongs to the Dragon Wife Faction. Kneel, mortals!"
[System Warning: Classroom Takeover Attempt Detected]
[New Owner: Drakana Flameheart. Status: Unstable.]
[Side Effect: Floor is now lava. Literally.]
Rei's desk legs ignited.
"OH COME ON!"
He leapt onto a bookshelf as chairs melted and fireballs whooshed past.
Emilia calmly cast a frost dome to protect a corner of the room, still writing notes. "Do you want a spare quill, Rei?"
Rei stared at her like she was the true final boss.
"You're insane," he whispered.
"No," she replied with that serene smile. "I'm just very good at compartmentalizing."
He didn't know what that meant, but the last person who said something like that was Lilia. Just before she declared holy war on spoon thieves.
10:30 AM – History Class, Now Taught by Cult Member #12
"This is a map of the old kingdom," the newly brainwashed professor intoned, tracing a heart around a badly drawn stick figure labeled "HUSBAND-SAMA."
Lilia leaned forward from her throne-chair.
(Yes, she'd installed a throne. With banners. And a ceremonial husband-shaped pillow.)
"And this," she said reverently, "is where our sacred marriage contract will be carved into the Holy Mount of Matrimony—"
Rei raised his hand.
"Sir, I just wanted to learn about... I dunno, treaties. Geography?"
The professor blinked.
"Treaties are meaningless in love, Lord Rei."
Rosette nodded solemnly. "History must be rewritten to reflect your eternal commitment."
[System Notification: Curriculum Hijack 85% Complete.]
[Subject 'Rei' is now considered 'Divine Husband Entity' by multiple departments.]
"I AM NOT A DIVINE ENTITY!"
"Blasphemy!" cried half the class.
"HERETIC!" shouted the janitor, who was actually Ayana again.
12:00 PM — Lunch Hall (Now a Warzone)
Rei didn't get a sandwich.
He didn't get tea.
What he did get was a literal war council held in his honor.
Rosette deployed surveillance runes that skittered around like mechanical spiders. Drakana roared at a lunch lady. Lilia handed out pamphlets titled Emilia's Smile = DEATH TO SANITY.
Seraphina was seen sprinkling something sparkly into the mashed potatoes.
Meanwhile, Emilia sat quietly at the far table, waving at Rei as if everything was perfectly normal.
"Oh no," Rei murmured, watching as five different girls slowly rotated their heads toward her.
[System Alert: Converging Bloodlust Detected.]
"Why can't anyone just enjoy lunch in peace?!"
Winston appeared beside him like a ghost of misplaced trust.
"They've begun infiltrating Home Ec now," he whispered. "They're baking... engagement pies."
"I don't even know what that means!"
"Neither do I. But I fear it deeply."
2:00 PM — Combat Training. Or So They Claimed.
Rei was supposed to practice mana control and wand etiquette.
Instead, he found himself blindfolded, handcuffed to a pole, while five girls accused each other of infidelity-by-association for breathing the same air as him.
[System Notification: This is not training.]
[This is an emotional hostage simulation.]
[Achievement Unlocked: Passive Participant in Your Own Life.]
The combat instructor tried to intervene.
Then Seraphina turned him into a potted plant for "looking at Rei's wrist too sensually."
Rei sighed and leaned back against the pole.
"I give up," he mumbled.
Emilia walked over, holding a bottle of iced tea.
"I brought you something to drink," she said sweetly. "Also, I filed a formal petition for all of them to be enrolled in mandatory therapy."
He blinked at her.
"You are... terrifyingly efficient."
She smiled. "I know."
Later That Night – Rei's Room (Supposedly a Safe Zone)
He stared at the ceiling.
Outside, five different Wife Factions were putting up magical banners, arguing over whose color scheme best complimented Rei's "divine husband aura."
His pillow was blinking again. Spy-chan. Rosette's surveillance pillow.
He turned it over.
[System Suggestion: Cry Yourself to Sleep. That's All We've Got Left.]
"I want a new life," Rei muttered.
[System Response: Refund Not Possible. You Sneezed Into a Marriage Pact.]
"I hate everything."
Spy-chan purred ominously beneath his head.
And somewhere, far off in the school chapel, Lilia was chanting.
"Only the true husband shall lead us. Only the husband may graduate. Praise be Husband."
To be continued…