With a dull creak, the bookshelf shifted inward, revealing a dark gap behind it. The sound of old wood echoed softly in the room.
"Very typical," Alex muttered. (Now don't tell me, sis… there's a hidden library here or some secret lab.)
["Yes, brother! How did you know?" ]Aria chimed in, smug as ever.
(Guess I've read and watched too much… though when will the things I really want finally happen?)
["Like what?"]
(Like… some sexy girl barging in, doing stuff to me, then more come and we—)
["That was intense. Not even God would allow that." ]Aria deadpanned, with a theatrical sigh.
Alex rolled his eyes and stepped through the gap.
Dim lights flickered on automatically, revealing rows of aged shelves. The place stretched surprisingly deep, the air heavy with the scent of parchment and ink. Dust hung lazily in the air, making everything glow slightly golden under the lamps.
"…A hidden library. Of course."
And the books—gods above—they were thick. Tower-brick thick. Some looked like they had bindings made of monster leather, others were so old their pages were curled like autumn leaves.
Just the sight of them made his knees wobble. His vision blurred slightly. He was about to tip backward when arms caught him from behind.
"Master Alex?"
May's gentle voice reached his ears like a breeze. She steadied him with practiced ease.
"Close call… Thanks."
He looked around again, exhaling slowly. "May, what is this place?"
"A hidden library inside your room," she said. "Perhaps left by your family."
"Perhaps?" he echoed.
She nodded. "While you were in the coma… you kept murmuring a book title. I found it once on the shelf. When I pulled it back, this happened."
She held out a cracked leather-bound book with gold embossed lettering.
"How to Talk to Girls in 999 Easy Steps"
Alex blinked.
"I was murmuring this?"
"Yes."
He took the book with both hands and just stared at it.
"I must've been dangerously lonely even while unconscious…"
"What time is it ?"
"…Twelve o'clock," May said.
"Huh?"
"The time. It's twelve now, Master."
"Ah. Right. Go prepare lunch for 1:30. I'll be here for a bit."
"Yes, Master."
"And stop calling me Master. Just say Alex. We're practically the same age."
(Even if you're a 149-year-old elf knight or something like that .)
"…Yes, Master Alex."
"…Close enough."
May bowed lightly and left the room. The shelf closed behind her with a low, final thump.
Alex turned to the book again. It felt warm in his hands, like it had absorbed a century of awkward confessions.
He sat in a chair with a sigh and opened the book.
Step 1: Don't panic. She's just a girl. Not a dragon. Probably.
Step 9: Smile. Not like a maniac. A friendly one.
Step 13: If your mouth goes dry, don't lick your lips too obviously. It's not a snack ad.
Step 24: Never say "you remind me of my mom." Just don't.
Step 41: Compliment her hairstyle. Even if it looks weird. Especially if it looks weird.
Step 67: If she's quiet, don't assume she's plotting your death. Maybe just your embarrassment.
Alex rubbed his temples.
"This book's a disaster… or a masterpiece."
["It's both," ]Aria's voice sang inside his head.[ "Legend says only the brave can finish all 999 steps."]
"I barely made it to page two…"
He flipped again.
Step 88: Don't challenge her to a duel to prove your strength. Unless it's a thumb war.
Step 108: Never say 'you look tired.' Even if she's a zombie.
Step 133: If she shows you a cat picture, react like it's the second coming.
Step 199: Ask about her hobbies. Do not say 'sleeping' if you don't know her.
Step 222: If you accidentally insult her, blame your evil twin. Name him Greg.
Alex snorted. "This is oddly specific…"
He turned more pages.
Step 322: If a girl's mad, listen first. Don't try to win. You probably can't.
Step 347: Don't try to impress her by lifting heavy things unless you're sure your back will survive.
Step 365: Anniversaries. Even if made-up. Never forget them.
Step 388: If she's crying, don't offer a dead squirrel. Offer chocolate. Always chocolate.
Step 404: Flirting error. Page not found.
"Seriously?" Alex chuckled.
Step 432: If she asks if you think she's cute, the answer is always yes. Unless she's holding a weapon. Then it's 'you're breathtaking.'
Step 444: If she laughs at your joke, marry her. If she doesn't, run.
Step 466: Don't ask how much she weighs. Unless you have a death wish.
Step 503: Never mention her age. Not even as a joke. Especially not as a joke.
Alex laughed louder now. "That one feels targeted."
Step 518: If she's too quiet, check if you've said something dumb in the last 5 minutes. Chances are you have.
Step 562: Don't bring up your ex unless you're trying to get exiled.
Step 618: Don't stare too long. Blink. You're not an owl.
Step 645: If she cooks for you, eat it. Even if it looks like monster guts.
Step 666: If she says 'I'm fine,' you're doomed. Run.
He slammed the book shut, tears of laughter in his eyes.
"Who even wrote this thing?"
["A hero," ]Aria answered in a reverent tone. ["One who dared to fall… again and again… and lived to write about it."]
"…That sounds real."
["It is."]
Alex leaned back, staring at the ceiling.
He was surrounded by a secret library, his body enhanced beyond mortal limits, no memories of his past, and the first book he unlocked was a gag survival guide to girls.
His life was chaos… but oddly fun.
"I wonder if I'll actually need any of this…"
"With your luck?" Aria whispered. "You'll probably need all 999 steps before sunset."
Alex stood, stretched, and turned toward the exit.
The thick book remained in his hand, as if it had claimed him.
"One down. Nine hundred ninety-eight to go."