Freya had faced many oddities since being yanked into this video-game-turned-reality world: cabbage-based bureaucracy, sarcastic system messages, weaponized paperwork, and once, a duck that demanded a toll in emotional trauma. But today's quest? It might just top the leaderboard of absurdity.
"So let me get this straight," Freya said, arms crossed, staring at the squat, overly excited goblin wearing a jester hat and holding a clipboard. "You want me to what now?"
"Be our honorary queen for the Grand Re-Opening of Goblandia!" the goblin squeaked. "We closed after the... unfortunate spinny teacup incident."
Freya blinked. "Teacup... incident?"
"Exploded," the goblin said solemnly. "There were turnips everywhere."
Val, her ever-suffering floating system assistant, popped into view beside her shoulder. "Technically, this counts as a side quest. Title: 'Amusement Sovereignty.' Difficulty: Emotional endurance. Reward: Unknown goblin treasure. Probably slime-based."
"I should've stayed in the cabbage dungeon," Freya muttered.
---
Goblandia, as it turned out, was a full-blown amusement park buried deep within the Forest of Slight Misfortunes. Built entirely by goblins and held together with chewing gum, duct tape, and the raw power of unregulated optimism, it boasted attractions like the Vomit Vortex, the Tunnel of Existential Crisis, and something ominously labeled "The Splat Zone."
"Rule one of Goblandia," the jester-goblin, now self-identified as "Cheekz the Coordinator," said, "is never eat the funnel cake. It bites back."
Freya nodded slowly. "Rule two?"
"Sign this waiver in case of accidental defenestration. It happens more than you'd think."
Before she could protest, a brass band of goblins dressed in mismatched clown armor began playing a triumphant, if off-key, anthem. Freya was shoved into a throne made of rubber chickens and declared Queen with a trumpet fanfare so shrill it frightened away several nearby birds—and two goblins.
A goblin child handed her a scepter. It was a sausage on a stick.
---
Her royal duties included:
1. Cutting the ribbon (with scissors made of soggy toast).
2. Riding the opening loop of the Haunted Corn Maze.
3. Making a speech to the goblin public (half of whom were already passed out from excitement).
Val hovered beside her as she was wheeled in a wagon toward the corn maze. "You know, for someone who used to hate crowds, you've really grown into the whole 'center of chaos' thing."
"I'm not thriving," Freya hissed. "I'm surviving with jazz hands."
The Haunted Corn Maze was less "maze" and more "lightly confusing cornfield with prankster ghosts." The first ghost that jumped out yelled, "BOO!" and then apologized for being too aggressive.
"I really admire your work," the ghost whispered before floating away.
"Did I just get haunted and complimented at the same time?" Freya asked.
Val dinged. "Achievement unlocked: Polite Poltergeist Pal."
---
After the corn maze, Freya was ushered to the main stage for her royal speech. Hundreds of goblins gathered, wearing party hats, holding churros, and cheering so enthusiastically it registered on the Richter scale.
Freya cleared her throat. "Uh… Greetings, noble goblins. I bring you tidings of—"
"Hot dogs!" one goblin yelled.
"Sure. Hot dogs. And also, amusement and joy, and possibly functioning safety rails if you're lucky."
The crowd roared. A nearby goblin fainted.
Val added, "Speech stats: Effectiveness—Moderate. Accidental cult leader probability—Rising."
Before Freya could flee the stage, a sudden BOOM echoed through Goblandia.
"Emergency protocol!" Cheekz screeched. "We've got a rogue rollercoaster!"
Freya turned. Sure enough, a rickety wooden monstrosity labeled "The Thrill Snatcher" had come loose from its track and was barreling toward the funnel cake stand.
Instinct kicked in.
She sprinted, dodged two spinning churros and a suspiciously sentient balloon, and leapt into the conductor's seat of the runaway coaster. Her foot landed on the only brake pedal… which promptly snapped off.
"Of course it did!" she shouted over the wind.
Val hovered beside her. "Current trajectory: Direct collision with the Bounce House of Mild Regret."
"Suggestions?!"
"Cry?"
With a heroic scream, Freya twisted the emergency lever—which released confetti instead of stopping the ride—and rode the coaster off a ramp and into a perfectly placed tub of mashed potatoes.
The crowd went wild.
---
Post-crisis, Freya was slathered in both gratitude and mashed spuds.
"You saved Goblandia!" Cheekz declared. "You must remain our queen—forever!"
"Hard pass," Freya replied, removing a potato from her hair. "I have quests, disasters, and apparently fate itself to deal with. Plus, I think your churros are plotting something."
Val nodded. "They definitely moved when you weren't looking."
Reluctantly, the goblins accepted her resignation. They held a small retirement ceremony involving kazoo music and a suspiciously emotional puppet show.
As Freya left Goblandia, her royal scepter (the sausage-on-a-stick) was enshrined in their Hall of Honor.
---
Later that night, camping by a crackling fire, Freya looked up at the stars.
"I was a queen today," she said flatly.
"You were a theme park attraction," Val corrected.
"I should be worried, but honestly, it felt kind of nice. The screaming. The confetti. The applause. That one goblin who cried and tried to name their kid after me."
"You did great. And you only screamed three times."
"I was chased by a sentient churro, Val."
"Still counts as a win."
Freya smiled, then paused as a familiar ding sounded.
[Quest Completed: Amusement Sovereignty!] Reward: Goblin Royal Treasure Chest (Unopened). New Title Unlocked: Her Majesty of Mayhem
She opened the treasure chest.
Inside was a tiara. Made entirely of jellybeans.
She put it on.
Because why not?
The next quest could only get weirder.
Or so she thought…