I was plagued by complicated thoughts.
Would anything have been different if I had intervened in the fight between Lorenz and Belial a little earlier? I hadn't chosen. When so many people made their own choices, driven by their reasons, beliefs, and feelings, I was the only one who stood frozen in between.
It came as a painful regret. To be honest, I was ashamed of my indecision.
"It's okay." I had kept my head down, remaining silent the entire time, when Kyle spoke softly. "Shu."
"... It's not okay. It was a stupid choice."
Then he said kindly, "How perfect do you think an ordinary person can make a life-or-death choice?"
Ordinary.
What was the 'ordinary' that he wanted to protect for me? The right to take a step away from all the quarrels? Or was it an indulgence given to those who contemplate and ignore the death of others?
I shouldn't have done that. I should have saved Belial long ago. Although he might not be a full ally, Belial would have been the least hostile to Kyle, between Lorenz and himself. Above all, Belial was the man Sen wanted to protect. He was her beloved. However, I reached out too late.
"It's okay."
At that moment, the words I had heard a moment ago echoed back to me. I looked up, a little surprised, and looked across the street. Sen's green eyes were full of melancholy and resignation.
"You say you didn't choose, but you did. You decided to stay by His Highness Kyle's side."
"..."
"And he saved me. If you hadn't pushed me away, I would definitely have been hit by an arrow. No, it must have been right. I thought I was going to die… In the twinkling of an eye, the arrow vanished." Sen crouched down, making herself smaller, and muttered, "…I understand. I decided to do it. People can't live by doing everything. If you do one thing, you're bound to miss another. We did our best, but it's so stupid to blame each other."
She was right. There was no one else to blame. It was pointless to dwell on what we had missed.
I stared at Sen in silence. She hugged Belial. Unconscious, he was barely alive despite many people rushing to his aid.
[Belial Serena Meinhardt: Approximately 0 days left before the estimated time of death.]
For several days, Belial had remained at zero days left. As if his time had stopped. He wasn't dead, but it was hard to call it hope. So I couldn't say anything to Sen. It wouldn't be strange if Belial died at any moment. Even the wagon that was following us contained his coffin. Still, I hoped it wouldn't be a humble death for Meinhardt's prince.
Sen said, brushing Belial's cold cheek, "Why…" Her voice was trembling sadly. "Can't humans get rid of greed?" It sounded like she was speaking to Lorenz, and it sounded like she was talking to Belial. At the same time, it seemed like a mockery of myself for not being able to give up revenge in the end. "Why do human beings end up being satisfied only when they push each other to their limits…"
There was a long silence. An inky sadness that no one dared to break filled the carriage.
"That's why human history is so bloody." It was a cynical statement. It sounded even more desperate because a man who had survived so many times said this. "War breaks people's hearts the most."
Kyle pushed open the small carriage window and said calmly, "I need a break, Sen."
Sen crouched down as if she didn't want to hear anything, but Kyle added firmly, "Belial has something to leave you."
The carriage traveled around the west for about two days from its original plan. The destination was a small village on the outskirts of the city, a long way northwest from Hwangseong.
As the sound of horses' hooves began to subside, I opened the window and looked out. The first thing I saw was the gently grown grass on the gentle dirt road and the clusters of flowers that bloomed modestly. The upright fir trees were so tall that it was difficult to see their tops even if you looked up closely, but the sunlight filtering through the branches was very warm compared to the dense leaves growing on them. The chirping of birds tickled my ears, and the water was clean and clear.
"Sen, look at this."
Sen, who had been fiddling with paper all along, turned to the window at my call. She stared out blankly and blinked slowly. Then she pursed her dry lips and muttered in a subdued voice, "…It's beautiful."
"It's just a little farther from here."
"Yes." Sen's gaze fell on the paper in her hand, then back out the window. The crumpled piece of paper she was holding was the map Belial had intended to give to Sen through Kyle. Without any explanation, it was just a simple marking of a point.
It was a small village. A little away from there, a modest house built somewhat lonely on a large field. It was a gift that Belial had prepared for Sen. It wasn't rings, dresses, or jewelry, but a small log cabin was what she truly needed, as she was tired of her old hatred. The fence, which seemed impervious to harsh wind and rain, old grudges, and even the deepest despair, felt warmer and more secure than anything else in the world.
"This is what… He was going to give it to me." Sen stared at the serene scenery and muttered. Then, with a slightly resentful expression, she glared at the man who was lying on her lap, clinging to his thin thread of life. "I knew from the beginning that there was no place for me in my future…"
Kyle smiled bitterly and rested his chin near the hill. "It would be better to have a cemetery over there. Because it's sunny."
"..."
Sen nodded, as if she understood what he meant. "There must be a lot of work to be done to hold a funeral."
"There will be a lot of work that will require your hands after that," Kyle said in a calm but friendly voice. "I'll send you some useful people. They will help you in your life."
I thought Sen would refuse or feel overwhelmed. She had always tried to carry burdens on her own rather than asking for help from anyone. But she pondered something, and then nodded and smiled slightly.
"Thank you, Your Majesty." Sen's voice was vigorous. "I'll keep you updated with Blake's territory from time to time."
Kyle's offer to send aid may have been a bond that would keep Sen and us from being completely severed. I wished I had said that I didn't want us to become estranged after leaving like this, but I guess I was too embarrassed to say that directly. Kyle coughed and turned his head away, looking a little embarrassed, so Sen and I couldn't help but laugh a little.
Okay. Anyway, time flies. No matter how painful and sad it is, the time of the living passes like that. And I'm sure Belial's time will never stop. He breathes desperately and is living his life more fiercely than anyone else here.
I don't know how this incident will change the Meinhardt Empire. Maybe after Lorenz settles down, he will completely ignore the promise he made to us. But that didn't mean there was any reason to be afraid. We will survive, and we will not lose anything anymore.
"I'll get off now." It was in front of her house, which Belial had prepared.
Sen simply packed her things and got out of the carriage. A Belial knight who was seriously injured and had struggled with the long journey also reported that he would stay here for a while. In addition, a doctor was assigned to check on Belial's condition, and Belial, who was laid on a stretcher, also disembarked there.
We nodded and waved to Sen. There were many things I wanted to say, but the longer the farewell lasted, the only regrets remained. After all, we'll meet again. If we can't meet in person, we will not forget each other's existence through letters or rumors.
"..."
After Sen dismounted, the carriage began its way toward Blake's estate. Only two people were missing, but the swaying carriage felt unusually wide and empty. I pulled my hand out of the window and waved it. Sen's figure became smaller, then smaller, until it became a tiny dot and disappeared entirely.
Then, when she couldn't see a single fingertip anymore, "I'm sorry, Sen." I gave her an apology that I couldn't afford to give. "…I'm sorry."
You can't save everyone. I am not a god. I know. This is different from the world in the game I developed. Just because you want to save someone doesn't mean you can save everyone, and just because you know what will happen doesn't mean you can control everything.
Even though I knew it, regret poured in like a tidal wave. I gasped. This cowardly word of apology, which I couldn't utter because I didn't have the face to, got stuck in my throat.
"..."
I felt terrible. This apology was just a dead word, which did not relieve Sen's guilt, far from comforting her.
Kyle was right. War breaks people's hearts the most. As if to test how miserable human beings can be. As if to sneer at me, questioning if I have the talent not to suffer like this. In this way, it torments people and pushes them into the pit of misery.
Kyle didn't say anything. He just stared at me as I swallowed dozens of emotions, and reached out and grabbed my limp, drooping wrists. Hot. The warmth of a person who had once more crossed the brink of death was so intense it felt like it burned. So, I felt like crying a little.
"Well done." Kyle hugged me and whispered. "Good job, Shu. You survived and stayed with me."
"..."
"I'm going to do better in the future. It can't be the best, but it will be better. That's what people are. The more you survive, the stronger you become."
"..."
The owner of the warmth who hugged me without a break continued whispering.
Fine.
He said I did well.
That's it.
I still like you.
So I think I cried while leaning into his arms. Running along the ground that was getting colder and colder, leaving everything behind and holding on to the only thing that was most precious.
The heartless spring was receding.
[Belial Serena Meinhardt: Approximately a day before the expected time of death.]