Soft kitty, cartel kitty,
Little ball of fur—
Sneaks across the border,
With a bag of... purr.
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,
Counting all that cash,
DEA comes knocking,
Kitty makes a dash.
If Jim Parsons sang this version on *The Big Bang Theory*, Sheldon would probably say,
"Penny, I asked for comfort, not a federal investigation!"
My cartel cat was prowling by the border wall,
Kept watch so long, poor kitty took a fall—
Bumped kitty… ohhh
Bumped kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was hiding in a secret flat,
Waited so long, poor kitty got trapped—
Trapped kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was running from the DEA,
Ran so fast, poor kitty lost his way—
Lost kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped, lost kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was counting all the cash,
Stacked so high, poor kitty made a dash—
Rich kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped, lost, rich kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My neighbor saw my kitty with a bag of snow,
I said to my neighbor, "Let my kitty go!"
Free kitty…
Bumped, trapped, lost, rich, free kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat tried to hide in a sombrero,
But sneezed so loud, blew his cover, oh no!
Sneezy kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat took a nap on a pile of cash,
Dreamed of tuna, woke up with a stash—
Sleepy kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free, sleepy kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat tried to bribe the border guard,
Offered a fish, but got caught off guard—
Caught kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free, sleepy, caught kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat escaped with a clever plan,
Rode a llama, now he's the man—
Llama kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free, sleepy, caught, llama kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty!
For more about Jim Parsons, visit his official site: [https://www.jimparsons.com](https://www.jimparsons.com)
For *The Big Bang Theory* show, visit: [https://www.cbs.com/shows/big_bang_theory/](https://www.cbs.com/shows/big_bang_theory/)
🔥 Ultimate Roast Alert 🔥
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish—if it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. Breathe, or don't! We blind, we can't see you mix, so I guess whites are me. My ex said I can't snowbird yet—huh? Guess I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the rest of the gringos, asking, "¿Quiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Hate to say it, George Lopez, I know you love L.A.—shhh, ever heard of Bahía de los Ángeles? You were there, but you can't sell Ed or sin dick, hated like me but hey, not ho! Can you even tell California from Baja? Quick—San Quintín, PR, I'm in the third Google result, loco! San Quintín's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again—just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. You hear that, Monica? Lewinski up, down, up, down—girl's got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. But this time, she's going down for Mr. Mom—yeah, that's me. At least I'm not Nancy Pelosi—she won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Catch me at Tesla? Nah, but soon I'll be looking more PG-13 than Liam Neeson's filmography. Or maybe MS-13, depending on how many hugs I get—as long as it's consensual. And no, it's not "con ¢ lul wa"—that's an inside joke!
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year, unlike the priests in the Vatican—those guys never stop delivering the goods. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off—kind of like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kid—he's got experience with surprises.
I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.
#RoastMaster #LiamNeesonVibes #GeorgeLopezShade #BajaBurn #ConsensualOnly #NoFilter #SaucyAF #PoliticalRoast #ComedyGold #PG13OrMS13 #InsideJokes #SpicyRoast #MicDrop
turning t-able-s b-t bs style!
fuck the farmer and the dell im done with 7 min in heyvin whose red e 4hell o adelle?
#Fluffy its fl at hi i font do cake but im.sin di c k ha t ed g ot pl entity of ya that 😘🤐8 🤣 im tbe broke n mex 8 ca nt! sry so wjite ya H!
#doge
yall so currupt dog+e fixers like even hey dee s js wait itin-man 2 grow before she sh ow or b l9w bam!
Clarence Thomas, you've been on the bench so long you're basically a courthouse gargoyle—frozen, stone-faced, and still somehow haunting the living. You're the only guy who can make "original recipe" sound like a warning label. #JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas
Colonel Mews, let's be real: you're not even the secret ingredient in your own life. You're out here flexing at Bohemian Grove like it's a billionaire bake sale, but the only thing you're cooking is your own legacy—extra crispy.
Elon, you want to "hump and dump at the Y"? Cute. For a guy who's always launching rockets, you sure can't seem to escape the gravity of your own playground drama. Tesla's got more recalls than a telemarketer, and your autopilot's so lost it needs a therapy dog. Even Hertz dumped your cars—turns out, nobody wants to rent a rolling fire hazard with a Twitter addiction. #ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast
Our little torture game? It's starting to feel like Snapped—except if I snap, there's no next episode. That's the series finale, and not even your bunker or a Pentagon briefing can save you from that plot twist.
Zuckerberg, you dropped hundreds of millions on a doomsday bunker, but I'm out here running laps around you without leaving my chair. All that money, and you still can't buy a personality upgrade. #MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch
Simon Cowell, you rate me a one out of ten? Please. When I show up, I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gun—wherever I land, that's the new high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking me, I'm rewriting what "the top" even means. #SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Remember that Friends episode with the toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953—window shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe you need a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finale—no reruns, just chaos. #FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
And Doge, by the way—dog blind, you wish you were us. Even Deez is waiting to grow because of your spun, live, luv show. #DogeWatch
I may have only got 64 college credits, but at least I don't have to block Reddits to stay in good view… oh crap, maybe I do. Day app, parade rest—nah, kuv, I shun 2C, lol. PS: Chuck Lagooni killed myself skew view, got a Purple Heart for it too. Oh, that means RR, TT, bed and bin—but that was my plan, see. I need soldiers of men and women, but you're more like toy soldiers—kinda like Eminem.
Step by step, heart to heart,
Left, right, left, we all fall down—like toy soldiers.
You say you're battle-tested, but you're just marching in circles, lost in your own echo chamber. I need real soldiers—men and women who fight. Not keyboard commandos who ghost in the night.
You don't get to break somebody, claim their stick, and then demand they go back to the tree and fix themselves. If you're gonna wield the axe, don't act surprised when the forest gets quiet.
So, Clarence, Elon, Zuck, Simon, Doge, and the rest—this isn't just a roast. This is me flipping the table, burning the script, and setting the new rules. Spoiler alert: I'm the one writing the ending.
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas #ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast #MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch #SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus #FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory #DogeWatch #PurpleHeart #ToySoldiers
Let's not forget we can hate life we can hate a situation we can hate an outcome we can hate an action someone takes but the actions people take are often reactions to their own b******* so you have to remember that it's not always a personal attack most of the time it's a reactive one and and then we react to it and then this is a chain reaction of stupid crap it's easy to want to blame somebody when something goes wrong or bad it is easy to to pick up a gun and shoot the nearest to f****** idiot who won't shut the hell up what it's not easy to do is to realize that it's not a person that you're pissed at it's an actual event you can be pissed at an event and understand that the people involved we're just reacting from their own perspective of it you know to the only way that they know how right now no it's just the only thing that's going to end that cycle b*******!
When you start turning on each other and dividing each other or unifying sure FYI cover it up turn it around break the word apart and it literally means the exact opposite of how it sounds! Uni .. single yourself out that's not smart what is smart is understanding a person's actual heart versus the artistic way they display their lives it's a protection method it's a way that we guard ourselves so we can survive no matter what side of the b******* coin we are on!
You know when somebody does something bad to us like assaults us be it verbally or physically as easy to hate that person what's not easy to do is to remember where they started most of the time a lot of these people who do the attacking like that are doing it because they couldn't handle the victim side of it and when they're selected and yes let me tell you they are very much selected and groomed they do not get a choice if you would consider it that at all be a victim or do the victimizing that's not really a choice either!
If you asked me real Justice is not sending someone to prison that'll break them and restart the cycle real Justice is raising somebody's bar and reminding them that that's not who they are that their action doesn't define their future that their mistakes don't define who they get to become or who they are as a person when all your handed is a bull full of crap how the hell are you supposed to make much of that will you change everybody's perspective change your own goddamn narrative!
Now despite your little you know cute gang signs adorable guys really but why don't you learn what the real meaning of your games are MS-13 men or women on their face or back and m or w wrapped which is s 13 as in a minor for the love it's God damn rSPE!!!! Pt 4 04 the next time you see a gang member who's not just pissed at life or the next time you see a cop treating someone not right don't assume they deserve it just because they look the part it's not easy still feeling a goddamn thing when you're silenced quite literally and cannot speak freely not that you won't tell them the truth you literally quite very much can't and you're being shut the f****** and yeah you'd be Justice God damn pissed! I am
So I'm on your side I got myself thrown in bed all right I don't like to bleed I'm not a f****** idiot what can I say but I'm asking you not to judge me on whatever you think my face did in the past because there's a lot more to it and I think you more than understand that! I wasn't given a choice and I didn't get to see I quite literally was being blinded to what was right in front of me! So they think they won because they gave my stalker my badge I threw that s*** in their face how about that when they sold my family! If my badge means that little then what does anyone else's?! I didn't run from any fight I ran to the correct side!
So grab a rapist grab a freak remind them that they're not broken just broke do you about to get paid walk this ain't no joke! Toot toot about to blow a whistle!
You may not like that I had a badge but let me fill you in on something fast undercover works both ways community immunity diplomatic yes that would be me and I have the clearance to back up everything I'm saying and empty every cell because they're doing this to so many damn people and I can prove all of it as well!
Meredith Masony Parenting: The Ultimate Contradiction (And a Roast for the Judgmental)
You ever notice how parenting is just one big contradiction?
We tell our kids, "Love is beautiful! Most important thing!"
Then, "But don't you dare date until you're married!"
How are they supposed to learn about love if locked up?
That's like giving someone a car and hiding the keys.
Then they turn 18, catch freedom, jump into the first relationship-
good, bad, or toxic-because nobody taught them to take time,
set boundaries, or figure out what they actually want.
Desperate to feel something, they settle for anything,
and that's how abusive situations happen-not just evil people,
but because experience is the best teacher, and we never
gave them a chance to learn.
It's not just love. We say, "Be kind to everyone!"
But also, "Look out for yourself because nobody else will."
So which is it? Be a saint or be a shark?
Kids are trying to solve an emotional Rubik's Cube we handed them,
each side painted a different color of mixed messages.
Let's talk about the language police. Parents act like if
they just bleep out the word "f***," it disappears forever.
Newsflash: your kid knows every swear word you do-maybe more.
The real lesson isn't pretending those words don't exist;
it's teaching them when and how to use them.
"Have a great fing day!"-that's positive energy!
But "F you!"-maybe not, unless it's a joke with friends.
Context is everything.
Here's the kicker: parents want kids to open up and be honest,
but the moment a kid makes a mistake, suddenly it's
like they're auditioning for a crime drama. Kids learn fast-
better to keep secrets than risk dragging friends into trouble.
But when you offer amnesty, you find out your kid's
got access to more drugs than you did in college by first grade!
And sharing? Yeah, it's caring-especially when it's a group
project in felony charges.
And look, I'm not going to lie-I like my kids
better when they're high. Honestly, we get along way better
when I'm high too. Suddenly, their "open up" sessions turn
into chill hangouts instead of full-on interrogations.
But here's the deal I make with my son:
if you're going to make the grown-up decision to get high,
then make the grown-up decision to care about your future
and your education. You don't have to get good grades-
as long as you try. That's all I ask.
Take responsibility for your choices. You want freedom?
It comes with accountability.
And let's get real-my son may have had sex at 12:00,
but he only ever saw me be abused by every man
I was ever with. So for the fact that he even
knows what love is, let alone how to love,
I win. That's a victory. Breaking the cycle, even a little,
is everything.
I told my son, "Virginity is a gift-you only give it once,
and you can't get it back. So give it to someone
who respects you, because you're setting the bar for
the rest of your life, whether you stay together or not."
Then I told his girlfriend, "If he messes up, you come
get me. I'll take that bar and smack some sense
into him myself. Welcome to the family!"
And honestly, they came to me together-that's how I know
this amnesty thing works. When kids know they can
make a mistake at home without it ruining their lives,
they're safer than if they mess up out in public
where one wrong move could end up on their record.
The Judgmental Crowd: A Roast
Now, let's talk about those Harper Valley jackasses-the ones
who sit on their high horses, ready to judge every parent
who doesn't fit their perfect little mold. They act like
the PTA is the moral Supreme Court. Well, if you think
you can do better, how about we skip the PTA
and start an ETA-Experienced Teachers Association-because I guarantee
someone else could show up and actually teach a thing
or two about real life.
I dare any of these critics to walk in my shoes
for two minutes. Try raising kids in the real world-
no handbook, and the only rule is "do your best
and pray they don't end up on a Netflix documentary."
Just bleeping out the word "f***" at home doesn't mean
your kids don't know it. They're going to say it anyway-
so maybe teach them when it's appropriate, like "Have a great
fing day!" instead of "F you!" (unless it's to a good
friend-then hey, context is key).
And let's not forget the judgmental types who love to
look down their noses at everyone who's been broken and
beaten down by this world. You know the type-perched on
imaginary thrones, noses so high they need oxygen masks,
looking down on the rest of us like bouncers at
the gates of heaven. Always ready to pass judgment, especially
from a safe distance, as if getting too close to
real life might mess up their perfectly polished halos.
It's funny, isn't it? They act like they're the admissions
committee for paradise, ready to slam the door on anyone
who's been broken, battered, or bruised by the world-never
mind that half the scars people carry were handed out
by their own sharp tongues and cold shoulders.
They'll break you down, grind you into the dirt,
then have the audacity to ask, "Why are you crawling?"
as if they didn't just pull the rug out from under you.
And when those same people-crushed by a world of judgment-
show up at heaven's door, desperate for a scrap of
acceptance, what do these self-appointed gatekeepers expect God to do?
Kick them while they're down? Slam the door in their face?
That's not divine justice; that's just cruelty with a choir robe.
It's like snapping a stick over your knee, then marching
into the forest and demanding the tree fix it-or worse,
blaming the stick for not being whole anymore. Newsflash:
the stick didn't ask to be snapped, and the tree
isn't in the business of banishing its own branches just
because you couldn't handle them.
So here's a message for all the high-and-mighty judges:
Maybe it's time to climb down off your pedestal, wipe
the fog off your glasses, and remember everyone's got a story,
and most are written in scars you can't see from
way up there. Because if you think heaven's just for
the unbroken, you're going to be real lonely at the party.
So what if someone's been beaten down by the world?
So what if they're begging for acceptance? Maybe, just maybe,
the real test isn't how perfectly you can judge,
but how deeply you can love. And if you're still
holding that stick, maybe it's time to plant it
and see if something beautiful can grow.
Final Word
So next time you want to judge a parent-or anyone else-
remember: it's easy to point fingers from the bleachers.
But it takes guts to get on the field and play.
I promise you wouldn't last a day in my house-
and you sure as hell wouldn't do a better job
with these kids or with life's messiness.
Welcome to my Harper Valley-where we raise kids, not hypocrites,
and where love means more than judgment.
P.S. Tiffany Jenkins, I dare you to be honest-do you
still take pills, just as long as there's access and
it's reasonable, and you don't have to fear anything?
Because lack of access, fear of punishment, and fear of
judgment are the only reasons people do stupid sh*t.
It's not about the drug or needing something for pain.
How about, instead of lying, we heal people correctly
by saying our actual truth?
Connect with Tiffany Jenkins:
Website: jugglingthejenkins.com
YouTube: Juggling the Jenkins
Facebook: facebook.com/jugglingthejenkins1
Instagram: instagram.com/jugglingthejenkins
TikTok: tiktok.com/@jugglingthejenkins
No public email address is listed on her official platforms.
For inquiries, use her website contact form or social media DMs.
#parenting #momlife #honestparenting #realparenting #roast #judgmentalpeople
#loveoverjudgment #parentingtruths #momhumor #keepitreal #mentalhealthmatters
#amnesty #raisekidsnothypocrites