Shinji's POV:
I spent the remainder of the Christmas holidays in the professor's room.
"Brat's need their food to grow up big and strong. Now say, Ah!" As he practiced his new torture methods.
I don't know what's worse. The fact he's been treating me like a newborn baby all week or being force-fed another spoon of the disgusting slop he calls food. As soon as I woke up. I found my privacy to have been violated, as my clothes had been changed to a light blue jumpsuit, a bib around my neck, and for some reason a pacifier in my mouth.
"WHAT THE HELL?!!"
"Does the brat need to change his diaper?" He said as he threw me into his private bathroom. Most students only get one single room, with bed, chair and desk when they move into their dorms. All the bathrooms are communal, to cut on cost. The only dorm exempt from this seems to be the professor's dorm. However, my professor's bathroom had clearly been modified, as I could see strange and weirdly shaped magic items replacing the buckets and tub.
I couldn't tell the toilet from the sink until my professor gave me a full lecture on where, was and wasn't acceptable to relieve oneself, as I was cleaning the poop out of the bathtub. Apparently, the snake-like object hanging on the wall was a contraption used to spray clean water to wash the body with. And the weirdly shaped porcelain toilet had actual plumbing. I once heard that such things are expensive to construct, hence only some wealthy families and nobles possess them. Apparently, the Suzuki household has one as well though I never used it. As for the bathtub. It was made out of porcelain just like the toilet, but it was a bit longer. Apparently, it also had a number of magic enchantments on it. It had one that created water in the tub, one that heated it up and one that cooled it down, and a plugged hole connecting to some pipes, to drain it once you're done.
You might think the bathroom was the only thing this mad professor had changed, but you would have been wrong. Back when we raided this room on Halloween, this place had just a simple room and bathroom with some weird stuff lying around. Now, it has a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen, a living room, a basement and even an attic. The structural plans of the dorm room don't make sense with the structure of the dorm itself. Where the attic is, should be on the second floor where another professor lives. Where the kitchen is, should be where the hallway is. And to my knowledge, there was never constructed a basement to the professor's dorm. There is no way he got permission for this, and there is no way the other professors wouldn't have noticed their bedrooms being replaced. Which means this mad professor had figured out a way to make an entire house fit inside a two-room apartment, without alerting the staff.
*Gulp*Gag*
I was snapped out of my reveries, as a spoon of some disgusting dark green liquid, that I swear was moving like it was alive, entered my mouth. I tried to spit it out, but as always it somehow slid past my gullet and into my throat while leaving a disgusting aftertaste in my mouth. I tried to vomit it up, put whatever it was, refused to leave my stomach.
"Ugh! Can we just move on to the magic lesson's already?"
"Oh! Does my sweet little baby brat number 2 want a treat? Well, since you were such a good boy and ate your greens, I'll give you a treat. Today I'll teach you how to cast a 3rd tier spell."
That's right. This mad professor, playing a single father, has been teaching me magic whenever he wasn't forcing me to play the role of an infant. I can go on forever about his bad traits, but I can't deny his skill and knowledge of the arcane. He is as crazy as he is brilliant. I was always told that with my aptitude, it would require a miracle for me to reach the 3rd tier. And here I stand practicing just that.
*Bang*
*Crackle*
*Boom*
"How *huff* was that?"
"Wrong! You made a mistake in the spell's structure again. The 3rd line at the bottom was supposed to curve a little more to the right, while the 4th one on the far right wasn't supposed to be there."
"But I cast it didn't I? Doesn't that mean I am now a tier 3 spell caster."
"Maybe if you could cast it more than one time before forgetting how to cast it! Now do it again, and don't fumble the structure this time. Had that 6th line on the inner left circle been a little bit off, I would be cleaning bits of your flesh of the floor right now!"
"Ugh! I don't think I have the mana reserves for this."
"Fine, take 5."
Right now, we were in the rather large underground basement, that had been fashioned into a magic testing area. I have been practicing new spells and spirit magic down here for over a week now. Whenever I run out of mana to power my spells, I am given a theoretical lesson on the spells and magic I am practicing to better understand how and why the spells work the way they do. The only time he doesn't act like a complete mad man is during a lecture, but even now he still has a few screws loose.
"Hey, so could you maybe stop whacking it when I'm going out on an errand. You might be my new baby boy, but that doesn't mean I want to see my grandchildren popping out of the toilet."
"WHAT?! HOW? I mean, I never did that!" I said in a panic trying to cover up my reactions to no avail.
How the hell did he find out, I thought I cleaned up all the evidence after I finished.
"What a smooth liar you are my boy! But this experienced old gentleman can smell a lie a mile away. Also, just because you clean up afterwards doesn't mean the smell won't linger."
How does he know what it smells like. Maybe he really is into that after all.
"Why are you backing away? And what's with that look on your face? You know what it doesn't matter! I have some exciting news for you buddy boy! Call it a Christmas present from your old pops." He said as he pulled out a scruffy gray mustache and a mannequin with lipstick.
"Whatever this is I don't think I want it!" I said, as I backed even further away.
"You see son! Your mother and I have realized you're at a certain age where experimenting with your body is normal."
"Please stop." If this guy's about to talk about the birds and the bees, then I'm going to scream.
"And we just can't have you doing that here! Isn't that right honey! That's why we're kicking you out!"
"Wait. What?" Is he going to kick me out on the streets for unloading one in secret. If that bastard catches me after what I did. I'm dead even if I become a 3rd tier magician.
"We will miss you quite dearly, as we look back on the good times." He said as he pulled out an image of me in a bib and pacifier, while a tear twinkled in his eye.
"But I-"
"WAH! WAH! MY DADDY DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE! WAH!" No matter what happens I can't let him kick me out yet, which means my only hope is to try and convince him by playing along with his mad delusions of being a parent.
"Come now, my sweet baby boy. Don't you want to-"
"WAAAAHHH!"
"I guess I could just use your college fund for something else then!"
"WA-!! What?"
"Honey! It seems our baby boy doesn't like it at the academy and wants to be a shut-in at home instead. Why don't we just lock him in the baby room while we use his college fund on that vacation you always wanted?"
"Wait! You have a way for me to attend the academy?" I thought I was going to be locked in here for at least a few months while we waited for that bastard to give up the search. But if he has a way for me to leave these awkwardly intimate living conditions, without being dragged back home to be executed by my family. Then I'm all for it.
The Suzuki family paid for my tuition each semester, and I seriously doubt they would pay for this semester's tuition now. But even if I did have the money to pay for it myself, the Suzuki family is one of the biggest backers of the Shiro academy. If they asked the academy to kick me out, then they likely would. They wouldn't dare attack me while on academy grounds due to the principal being an arch mage, but once I'm expelled, they would be free to come at me whenever or wherever I am.
"Of course we have! Isn't that right, honey? But it seems like our baby boy isn't ready to leave the nest. *sigh* I guess we have to keep listening to his depraved fetish through the walls for the rest of our lives! He gets this from your side of the family, you know!" He said to the mannequin.
"Father! Mother! How will I ever gain my independence and start a family of my own without a proper education first. But poor little Shinji don't have enough lunch money to feed himself because of the big bully at the Suzuki's house. How will I ever graduate if I'm so hungry I can't study?"
"No need to worry my boy, because your uncle Sun is working at the school. He said he would take care of that mean old Suzuki and even pay for your lunches. You just have to do one thing in return."
"Sure, whatever it is. I'll do it!"
"You have to become his wingman on his big date with Whitebeard on Walpurgisnacht."
"I'll make you proud!... Wait, what did you just say?!"
"Did you hear that honey! Our little boy is growing up *sniffle*. Why, it feels like just yesterday I shot him into your ass only to realize it was the wrong hole. Ah, good times! I want a divorce!" And with that he threw away the mannequin and mustache.
"Hey, did you just say Walpurgisnacht?!!"