The aunts and uncle's wife wasted no time laying into me:
"Xiaoyan, as women, we have to be reserved and dignified!
You're clinging to Xiao Fan like a vixen, always wanting more - who knew you were so wild in private?"
Another aunt piped up, "Look at Xiao Fan, sneaking around like he's stealing snacks!"
I had to hand it to her; she wasn't wrong about the "stealing" part, just not the way she thought.
I glanced at the clock. Right about now, Mr. Zhang should be home. Oh, this was going to be good.
By now, I'd figured out Madam Wang's master plan:
She wanted to secretly film Zhou Fan and me "in the act," then play it for the relatives.
With this crowd of gossipy aunties, nothing was sacred.
If your private life got aired out and picked apart by this bunch, even the toughest person would want to jump off a building.
And if Madam Wang used this as an excuse to meddle in our baby-making plans?
Just thinking about it made me want to run for the hills.
Luckily, the stars of this morning's "movie" weren't me and Zhou Fan at all.
Suddenly, a loud crash erupted behind us.
I spun around to see Mr. Zhang standing in the doorway, face the color of a thundercloud.
At his feet was a smashed watermelon, its guts splattered across the floor like a crime scene.
At that exact moment, the couple on the TV finally turned their faces to the camera.
And there they were - Mr. Zhang and his hotel lady friend, caught in glorious high definition.
The room went dead silent.
Madam Wang's triumphant grin evaporated, instantly reappearing on my own face.
I turned to her, all sweetness and light, and delivered the killer line:
"Mom, were you trying to catch Dad cheating?"
For the first time ever, Madam Wang looked genuinely panicked.
"I—I wasn't... I thought... I mean..."
Inside, I was cackling. She'd assumed the surveillance footage was from my and Zhou Fan's bedroom, and that the woman on screen was me.
But I'd made sure our bedroom and my in-laws' were decorated almost identically - right down to the matching bed sheets.
No wonder she'd mixed them up.
I'd been waiting for this day.
I cut her off, pointing at the remote in her trembling hand:
"Mom, you dragged me in here to watch TV the second I got home.
Did you already know about Dad's affair? Is that why you invited all the aunties and Uncle's wife - to help you get revenge?"
Mr. Zhang's glare could have melted steel.
Auntie Chen slapped her thigh in realization:
"Xiuying, you should've told us about something this big! Out of all us sisters, how did you end up the pushover?"
After a quick round of sympathy for Madam Wang, she turned her fire on Mr. Zhang:
"Zhou Wenhua, you must be starving to stoop this low!
That old woman's skin is wrinkled like a bitter melon, and you're still panting after her like a puppy.
And two rounds in five minutes? That mistress must have the worst luck in the world!"
Mr. Zhang's face was now a radioactive shade of red.
But what could he say? The TV was still playing his greatest hits for the whole family.
In his eyes, I saw pure despair - and a tidal wave of hatred aimed straight at Madam Wang.
He lunged for the remote, finally managing to turn off the TV, then grabbed Madam Wang by the arm and dragged her toward the study.
I, being the picture of understanding, quickly ushered the aunties and Uncle's wife to the door.
As I walked them to the elevator, I put on my most serious face and whispered,
"Aunties, Uncle's wife, you must keep today's events a secret. My dad definitely doesn't want this getting out..."
But before I could finish, Auntie Chen winked and said,
"Don't worry, Xiaoyan! My lips are sealed. I'll only tell my daughter, my neighbor, and my mahjong group. Oh, and my WeChat Moments, but I'll set it to private!"
The others nodded, already pulling out their phones like they were about to live-tweet the scandal of the year.
I waved them off, then leaned against the wall, grinning so hard my cheeks hurt.
This was better than any TV drama.
Madam Wang wanted to play dirty?
She just got a taste of her own medicine - served cold, with a side of bitter melon.