Chapter 6 - chapter 6

I wasn't going to expect this out of it. I had prepared for it all mentally: Sooner or later Ryan and I would kiss-theoud-thing with stages-just to make the whole setup believable in the eyes of others. But this was quite different from what I had supposed, and how unsettled it could make me. How simple seemed the act; yet why did it feel so...completely wrong? The day was just going the same way now as any other in the tornado that had become our 'relationship.' Later tonight, Ryan and I were supposed to attend some charity gala, one of those shiny bashes at which society rubs shoulders and deals in the shadows under the pretense of philanthropy. We had basically said only hello for the entire day; the press-saturated, immersive illusion was all in the making; then that evening, it was just as we arrived at the event: a clear, heated sense hung in the air, desperate because neither of us could prepare for it fully. Ryan wore a finely tailored black tuxedo, the sharp angle of his jaw making him look as if he were born to walk the red carpet. I, on the other hand, had donned a deep emerald green gown, the shade flattering enough to attract attention while not overshadowing the others. And as we stepped out of the limo, I could feel the familiar sea of cameras waiting for our every move- already, we were an attractive couple."Just remember, "Ryan murmured just close enough to be between us alone, his voice low, "We're a couple. An actual one. So no acting."I felt knotted around the gut, with all the buildup the night was leading to- yet another act in a dramatic play: flashing cameras, endless inquiries, carefully manufactured smiles. It was all part of the game. But I never thought that I would truly have to rely on Ryan so much; I would personally crave for his steady presence to avoid falling apart. Paparazzi at the venue, declaring our names while capturing us on film, we strode hand in hand past all the hullabaloo that surrounded us. It was like so many times we had done it before, but when we got to the doors, the host-a woman with sharp eyes and in a silver sequined dress- gave us a knowing smile at the two of us."Ryan, Emily, so good to see you both," she said in a warm welcome, obviously already in the know of the 'couple' spiel we were selling. "I hope you're ready to make this evening unforgettable."His reply was accompanied with a light brush of my hand while smiling at her as he said, "We wouldn't miss it."As we rushed deeper into the gala, the whole thing became more intimate; a shifting atmosphere with guests mingling, glasses filled with champagne in narcotic rapture, doing deals, and gossiping about social moving. The music was soft yet elegant; crystal glasses clinking added sound between the conversations.But all I could think about was the moment when the cameras would flick once again in our direction. We had to act our part-perfectly. A fake couple but convincing enough to be real. Dinner had gone by smoothly. Ryan and I had exchanged pleasantries with several megadonors and future clients, but that never really changed the illusion that we were both going above and beyond in forced behavior. Reporters' queries had died down, but I knew they still had their ears open, waiting for that one thing. Something real, something genuine which is the kiss.Right across from and behind the large glass balcony doors, we were gazing down at the twinkling lights of the city, with cool night air brushing against my skin. The sky was turned into gold in the maybe last rays of sun, dabbling away into darkness. Ryan was standing with his back against the railing, staring at the skyline as if it were a sculpture, and his hand was still lightly placed on the small of my back. I stood beside him, the weight of the evening settling in.In that moment, the sounds of the gala faded into a distant memory, leaving just the two of us in intimacy. This time, he was more magnetic than ever before and, despite feeling awkward earlier on, I found myself wanting to embrace the illusion that this was something really happening. But I quickly shut that thought out of my mind; it's inappropriate to have feelings. This wasn't supposed to be more than an act."So," I said awkwardly to fill the gap, "surviving half of the night."Ryan smirked, turning toward me. "We're doing fine. But the hardest part's coming."I raised one eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?""The first kiss," he said simply, as if it were nothing, with a flicker of mischief in his eye, his mouth tensed just enough for my stomach to twist.I swallowed, trying to make it sound casual. "Right. The kiss."There was a pause before Ryan stepped closer and locked his eyes with mine. "Emily," he said softly, voice lower than before, "I know this isn't easy. But we need to do this if we want to make it believable."I nodded. An invisible wall hung just between us. Everything that had come before now led straight into this moment, and it was intensely, unbearably pressurized."Are you ready?" he asked, voice almost a whisper now. I could feel the tension in it, thick and undeniable. He was waiting for me to say something, the cue for leading in this charade. I wasn't sure I could manage that.Whether I actually wanted to, I'm not quite certain. "I suppose so," I managed to say. My voice sounded a good deal smaller than I intended it to. My heart was racing in my chest, the thud of it almost deafening in my ears.Ryan smiled and turned to me. "We're good. But we have the hardest part ahead." "Uh, what do you mean?" "The first kiss," he said simply, like it was no big deal. But there was something flickery in his eyes, and a slight tension around his mouth that made my stomach twist. I swallowed, trying to make it sound casual. "Right. The kiss." After a short pause, Ryan moved closer again, eyes locked with mine. "Emily," he said softly, voice lower than before, "I know this isn't any easy thing. But we need to do this if we wish to make it believable." I nodded. This invisible weight, heavy though it was, hung between us. Everything built up until this moment, and the pressure became unbearable. "Are you ready?" his voice said in an almost whispered manner. Tension was thick in the air like some indefinable thing. He was meaning to wait for me to say something that would give me an added lead placement in this charade. That's the part where I'm not confident I can manage that. Whether I actually wanted to or not, I'm not sure. "I suppose so," I managed to say. My voice sounded a good deal smaller than I intended it to. My heart was racing in my chest, the thud of it almost deafening in my ears.There was an action that Ryan appeared to do. But in the end, he reached up slowly and brushed a thin strand of hair away pragmatically behind my ear. This gentle and sensuous movement felt very intimate and too real for me. I hitched my breath, and for a fraction of a second, I caught his stead-fast gaze—*really**caught—like the lines were blurring between what we pretended to be and what we actually became.His lips met mine suddenly, without warning.Where fire isn't, where heat isn't—and that's what the guide will tell you—he will might try. It was soft and slow, almost uncertain, like two people feeling clumsy about boundaries. There was warmth in his lips against mine, but even with that, the awkwardness set in immediately. I felt myself freeze, not knowing what the hell to do or where to hold my hands. Everything from my body went completely stiff, while my head whirled trying to take in everything strange in this form of intimacy, forced.On pulling back, I opened my eyes, and for a moment neither of us spoke. Just looking breathlessly shallow at each other. "Well," I said—partly to regain composure after what had been nothing but a shamble—"that was not exactly...smooth."Ryan chuckled softly, though to his eyes it wasn't. "Yeah. The same." "Nervous laughter," I said cheerfully strained, "but it's not all bad. That's the first, yeah? They usually tend to want more tonight." It always comes down to marketing it pretty much like everything else. But even as he said it, I couldn't shake the feeling of discomfort that lingered in my mind. The kiss was not at all what I had imagined, and I certainly wouldn't want it to happen again in my life. "You are good at this," I said a little shakily, "You're convincing. But I don't know if I am." Ryan's gaze softened, although the flash of something unreadable remained. "You're doing fine. Just keep following my lead, and we'll be alright."I nodded, but an anxiety hitched in my chest. The line between reality and the fake was becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish, and I did not know how much longer I could maintain the pretenses.The night was still far from done, but I had no inclination where all that would take us. Yet, there was at least one thing that was sure: the first kiss was just a start, and neither of us was prepared for what came next.