The hallway past Mordieux's fashion crypt was suspiciously quiet.
Too quiet.
"I don't like it," Peter whispered. "It's never quiet. Not in dungeons. Quiet means traps. Or plot."
Dante grinned, stepping confidently over a suspiciously clean floor tile. "Plot means XP. And XP means muscles."
Peter stopped mid-step. "Wait—did you just step on—?"
CLANK.
The floor dropped beneath them.
Both screamed as they plummeted into darkness.
⟦ SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: YOU HAVE ENTERED A SECRET ROOM ⟧
Zone: "The Treasure Chamber of Broken Promises"
Environmental Hazard: Dramatic Music (Unskippable)
Recommended Action: Panic
They landed in a velvet-carpeted vault full of treasure chests.
Dozens of them.
Some had smiley faces painted on them. One had "LIVE, LAUGH, LOOT" written across the lid in glitter glue.
Peter narrowed his eyes. "Mimics."
Dante was already halfway to opening one. "Not all of them! Look, this one's got heart stickers!"
Peter held up his staff. "That's literally how they lure you, Dante."
Too late. Dante popped the lid open.
Inside was… a couch. A tongue. And a pair of googly eyes.
It yawned. "Yo."
⟦ NPC DETECTED: Marvin the Mimic ⟧
Level: ??
Occupation: Former Trap, Current Addict
Disposition: Lazy, Opportunistic, Maybe Your New Best Friend
Likes: Gold, Gambling, Gossip
Dislikes: Being opened without consent
"Name's Marvin," the mimic said. "You got any coins? I'm down bad."
Dante, unphased, offered a half-melted bronze piece. "All yours, pal."
Marvin slurped it into his mouth and sighed. "Ahhh. That hits the spleen."
Peter blinked. "You… have a spleen?"
"Emotionally."
Marvin's lid opened again, and a deck of magical cards floated out.
"You boys look like the high-risk, low-IQ type. Wanna play Dungeoncards? Winner gets loot. Loser might get cursed. Or kissed. I dunno, I've got issues."
Dante looked at Peter.
Peter groaned. "We're gonna do it anyway, aren't we?"
Dante nodded. "Obviously."
⟦ MINIGAME: DUNGEONCARDS ⟧
Rules: Unknown
Prizes: Determined by Marvin's Mood
Cheating: Encouraged
What followed was an incomprehensible round of magical Uno-chess-strip-poker that ended with Peter somehow summoning a fireball and Dante losing his pants and his temporary bonus to Wisdom.
Marvin spat out a glowing heart-shaped potion. "Here. You win. Technically."
Peter caught it. "Is this… a love potion?"
"Yup. One dose. Use responsibly." Marvin paused. "Or don't. I'm not your mom."
Item Gained: Potion of Unintended Romance
Effect: Causes target to fall in love with the first creature they see.
Duration: 4-6 hours
Warning: Does not work on the emotionally unavailable or legally undead.
They climbed out of Marvin's chamber through a hole in the wall (after Peter swore thirty-seven times and Dante tried to fist-bump the mimic goodbye). On the other side was a glowing ballroom—yes, a ballroom—lit by chandeliers made of bones and a stage made of suspiciously fresh wood.
A figure stood at the far end. Tall. Cloaked. Radiating magical energy and judgment.
Dante readied Sharpstick. "Boss fight?"
Peter readied his glitter. "Probably."
Then the music started.
—
⟦ MINI-BOSS: THE CHOREOGRAPHER ⟧
Class: Necro-Bard
Level: 6
Preferred Weapon: Tap Shoes of Doom
Challenge: Dance or Die
Special Attack: "Jazz Hands of Paralysis"
Catchphrase: "Slay. Literally."
The cloaked figure snapped his fingers.
Dozens of skeletons in sequin vests appeared behind him.
"IF YOU WANNA PASS," the choreographer bellowed, "YOU MUST OUT-DANCE MY UNDEAD ENTOURAGE."
Dante blinked. "This is the best dungeon ever."
⟦ DANCE BATTLE INITIATED ⟧
Round One: Booty of the Damned
Peter's horn lit up.
He unleashed his new move:
Rainbow Doombeam.
The skeletons were blasted with euphoric confusion and sudden urges to vogue.
Dante jumped in, flailing wildly.
The System hesitated before updating.
⟦ COMBAT LOG ⟧
— Peter hit a perfect pirouette.
— Dante did something vaguely pelvic.
— Choreographer is feeling challenged.
— Skeletons are questioning their life and afterlife choices.
— System is not sure this qualifies as dancing.
Then Peter slipped.
The love potion flew from his pocket, shattered on the stage, and released a heart-shaped vapor.
Dante inhaled it.
His eyes locked on Peter.
"Oh no," Peter whispered. "Oh gods. Oh no."
"I've never noticed how majestic your glitter is," Dante said dreamily. "Peter. You're radiant."
"I WILL CAST FIRE ON MYSELF," Peter screamed.
⟦ STATUS EFFECT: INFATUATED ⟧
Target: Dante Steelblade
Source: Love Potion
Affection Object: Pickle Peter
Effect: -2 Defense, +10 Simping
Peter beat the boss alone while Dante serenaded him with off-key ballads about friendship, fate, and "how your eyes look like mana pools, but, like, sexier."
The Choreographer burst into tears and ran off the stage.
⟦ MINI-BOSS DEFEATED! ⟧
Loot Gained:
— 250 XP
— Dance Shoes of Maximum Sass (Equip: +5 Style, +1 Speed)
— One more reason for Peter to consider therapy
As the doors to the final chamber opened, Peter glared at Dante.
"You're lucky I haven't turned you into a toad."
"I would've made a cute toad," Dante said, swooning.
Peter slapped him with a mana-dampening sticker and marched ahead, muttering darkly.
Dante followed, still lovestruck, still grinning.
Somewhere beyond the ballroom, the final boss stirred.
And, yes—moaned.