That bitch came wearing a crop top that covered her shoulders with a boob window, and its collar was a dog collar. What a slut. I would impregnate her 181.936 times if I had a penis.
"Palakala, I know Pollen kept her boob window wide open, but please control your gun that shoots sticky white." I watched Palakala impatiently press the pedestrian button many times. "What's for the rush?"
"I don't want to stay on the same block with you! Also, that's called a keyhole, not a boob window." Palakala's parents worked in a fashion house.
His white shirt was covered by red boxes. Inside was a boring grizzly bear-colored T-shirt. And earrings and torn jeans? What did he think we were doing? Hitting up cheap, moving feminine meat?
"Ain't she troublesome?" Pollen hugged me from behind. She was after girls, too!? "But you didn't have to use such a fierce tone at her."
"I'm mean to her because she gave you a nickname based on your smell and named me BASED ON MY FART!! People have bad stomachs sometimes!!"
Pollen, a frequent guest of our convenience store, had light blue eyes like my dog's plastic dog bowl. The light blue was applied on her inner-dyed black short hair above her shoulders, as well as the bifurcation point of her bang and right side. Her bobas were huge, and her booty was absolutely fuckable even for a tall girl like me.
We arrived at Hu-Ge Bar. It was time to mix Spirytus Vodka and absinthe with cannabis, cocaine, meth, opium, heroin, and MDMA in a bag and suck the mixture up our nostrils.
"That's all I want. Go order, Palakala!" I sat on the very edge of the seat.
"Ain't no way I'm even saying those shit."
"Little Hu~ Care to bring us a bottle of tequila and a Manhattan?" Pollen asked so invitingly seductive.
"Yep! Coming up!!"
"Whaaaa? One bottle of tequila is like me trying to fill my stomach by licking a pudding." I lit three cigarettes. All three were for me.
"I dragged you to work from your house last time because you were intoxicated by industrial spirit!" Palakala lit his own.
"Haha, last time, Craycray called me." The shot glasses that the bartender delivered were already filled. Pollen gave one to each of us.
"Let me guess, she was crying on the other side of the phone about the movie you recommended wasn't gory enough." Palakala cheered with us and downed the shot.
"No, she said, 'Touch your breasts and let me hear your moans, quick!'"
Palakala spat out the tequila and stared at me like I was a weirdo.
"You weirdo!"
"And I followed," Pollen said.
"Why the fuck?"
"Big sis gotta satisfy what little sis says, right?" She placed two fists on her sitting hips like a proud sister. Finally, someone normal…
"I mean, I bet Craycray won't even feel ashamed by straightly asking a stranger to sleep with—"
"SOMEONE FUCK ME!!"
Palakala and Pollen covered my mouth and restrained my hands, and everyone in the bar turned to me.
"Tha... That's a bit much." Cold sweat flowed down from Pollen's forehead for no reason. And I was just about to call her normal.
"You see, if I'm a male character, everyone will hate this main character." I drank from the tequila bottle. "Glad I'm female; everyone will think I'm cute!"
"No, there's no excuse for a sickening dolt character." Palakala watched as half of the tequila were disappearing.
"But, if I'm handsome or beautiful, people will laugh, 'hahaha, what a stupidly funny character.'"
"I...can't argue with that."
"But it's really the author who'll get penalized, no?" Pollen received her Manhattan.
"Yeah, if the author's a 'he,' people will say he's sexualizing women and call him a fucking disgusting scum."
"For creating a character like you, yes."
"And if the author's a 'she,' people will say, 'yeah girl show them that women can do and think whatever they want equality fuck equity.'"
"No. No one is crazy like you to think that way. Sure, feminists can be extreme, but everyone will hate whatever this light novel is about."
"And if the author's white, it will be a regular novel that old and young and underage read daily."
"First of all, Americans and Europeans don't read this shit. Second, this has nothing to do with skin color."
"And if the author's black—"
"We are not going…ANYWHERE near that!"
"I don't think we have a way to change her," Pollen joined. "But do you know why she acts this way, Simon?"
"God knows."
"What? I'm a simple girl with simple desires." I rested my legs on Palakala's shoulders across the table, and he smashed my knees with the tequila bottle. Pain pain.
"So it's your desires that drove you into madness?"
"What? I'm not mad? Look at them! They're the mad ones." I pointed at a badly stupid guy—stupid because he was wearing glasses—who was speaking to a girl. "He is watching every word he's saying to show off his high EQ (emotional intelligence)."
"Stop eavesdropping on people!" Palakala reacted weirdly.
"He desires that girl's body, so he's being overly careful. When he's rejected, he'll pathetically go home and jack off." I took another mouthful of tequila and spilled some onto my tank top.
Pollen grabbed a tissue and wiped it for me with her soft, slippery hand. Please slip your fingers under my top, Pollen.
"And look at that dude!" I pointed at an ugly dude who didn't care about dressing appropriately and arranging his hair. "He probably just learned from Tickle Tok that girls like ballsy and blatantly flirty men, so he's using vulgar and obscene language to speak with that poor girl. He thought words were enough, but his attitude and appearance? Even I wouldn't fuck him."
"That's a weird way to approach what they desire, right?" Pollen patted my head and played with my hair.
Please go down and choke me and walk me like a dog and order me to urinate on the grass, Pollen.
"And look at those two girls." I pointed at two girls on their phones. "It's a bar, so they thought as long as they put on pretty pretty makeup, all they needed to do was to be on their phones, and boys would be lured in."
Pathetic pathetic pathetic eww disgusting pathetically and stupidly disgusting.
"So, you're saying people are trying absurdly hard for what they desire?" Pollen used her tender lips to sip on her Manhattan.
Please carry that sip mixed with saliva with your tongue and feed it to me down the throat.
"No, trying hard is all too normal."
"Huh."
"What I'm saying is their methods are so stupid that they aren't normal." I sipped five mouthfuls of tequila and raised the empty bottle at the bartender. "At least, I'm using my brain to chase what I desire. That's what I'm saying."
"Aw, I see—"
"Wait." Palakala squinted at me and pressed the pause button on Pollen. "Those two girls obviously watched too many Korean dramas, and that guy is obviously sexually harassing, but what's wrong with the guy watching his words? If his way isn't normal, how should we talk to girls??"
"Wait, you said that guy's normal??" I widened my eyes that I usually narrow but were actually huge. "HAHHAHAHHHAHAHAIO+)(=R#@I&HA!!!! AHAHAHA!!! The fuck? Wait a sec… HAHAHHAHAH!!!!"
"..."
"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! THAT'S NORMAL!?!? HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Fine. What will you do to win a man you desire?" Palakala's sudden question made my laughter chock like someone used me to deepthroat.
"Me? Uh, it's embarrassing..." I wiggled my shoulders with a blush.
"Come on, tell us. I'm sure it's VEEERRRYYY normal."
"Well..." I opened my mouth. "I would stick a tube down his throat and to his stomach and throw in aphrodisiac pills and liquid. He might still not want to sleep with an ugly woman like me, though. So, I would nail his hands and feet to the floor into a doggy position, mix psilocybin powder with absinthe, and practice an enema with that mixture so he would hallucinate me as beautiful."
"..."
"..."
Palakala closed their eyes and covered their mouths with folded hands. Pollen smiled dotingly at me with a sense of awkwardness.
...
"WHAT!? If that's not normal, then what is!?"
My name is Craycray. We only drank three bottles of tequila and went home.