It began with a procession.
Golden banners. Spirit musicians. Floating pavilions pulled by cloud whales.
At the front rode three scholars from the Jade Horizon Academy, the most prestigious school of cultivation in the eastern realms.
Behind them floated a banner in script that shimmered with celestial qi:
"Seeking the Wisdom of the Dao Cat: An Offer of Headmastership."
Elder Mei stared. "They're serious?"
Xi-Xi squealed. "You're going to be the headmaster! You can give detentions!"
Whiskers lay on his shrine rock, licking his paw. "They can't be serious."
The scholars bowed deeply before him.
"Great Slumbering Sage, we wish to offer you full command of our institution," said Master Yun, the Head Archivist. "Control of the curriculum, veto over all duels, and—should you accept—a royal fish pond bearing your name."
Whiskers blinked.
"You want me to run a school?"
"Yes."
"You understand I nap through most lessons?"
"Yes."
"I once bit a formation diagram in half."
"We are aware."
"…I accept," Whiskers said, standing up. "For three minutes."
Minute One: He arrived.
A majestic palanquin drifted into the academy grounds, bearing a slightly annoyed cat and six embroidered pillows.
The entire faculty bowed. The spirit beasts that tended the library chirped in excitement.
Whiskers sat atop the Headmaster's seat. A halo of spiritual authority blossomed around him.
Minute Two: He reorganized the curriculum.
Canceled "Advanced Swords: Theory and Forms."
Replaced it with "Fish Appreciation 101."
Mandatory naps from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.
Exams replaced with "staring contests."
Minute Two and a Half: He inspected the dorms.
He found one disciple hoarding chicken buns under her bed.
He declared her Honor Student of the Year.
Minute Three: A senior instructor asked, "What is the Dao of Wisdom, O Great Cat?"
Whiskers stared him dead in the eye.
Then turned around.
And walked out.
Master Yun caught up with him outside the gates.
"Please," he begged, "was it the food? The questions? The—"
Whiskers interrupted with a yawn.
"You asked me to run a school. I ran it. Now I'm done."
"But… but…"
"I hate admin. I like sunbeams. Don't call me again unless the library's haunted or your koi fish are in revolt."
He flicked his tail and disappeared into the mist.
Jade Horizon Academy declared the day "Founding of Nap Philosophy," made a statue of him sleeping, and now includes "The 3-Minute Reign of the Dao Cat" in all core textbooks.
Whiskers does not care.
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Bonus: The Bestiary of Spirit Beasts Whiskers Has Bullied or Befriended
Compiled by: Xi-Xi the Phoenix Chick (with marginalia from Elder Mei)
1. Flame-Treader the Fire Turtle (Status: Befriended & Married)
Species: Royal Fire-Shelled Spirit Turtle
Notable Traits: Lava breath, ceremonial dance shell, strong opinions about buffet lines
Encounter Summary: Groom at the Royal Beast Wedding. Whiskers ignored him for most of the ceremony, then ended up saving his marriage by nap-exploding the demon crows.
Whiskers' Note: "Tolerable. Knows when to stop talking."
🦊 2. Princess Petal-Smile (Status: Tolerated)
Species: Bloomtail Vulpine
Notable Traits: Nine tail blooms that change color with mood, sings lullabies that grow real flowers
Encounter Summary: Bride. Tried to place a daisy crown on Whiskers' head. Got hissed at. Cries beautifully.
Xi-Xi's Note: "She smelled like warm honey tea! I like her!"
🐐 3. Thunderhorn the Grumpy Sky Goat (Status: Bullied)
Species: Storm-Wool Sky Goat
Notable Traits: Lives in clouds, discharges static when annoyed
Encounter Summary: Charged at Whiskers during a spirit summit. Got flipped into a pond with one paw tap.
Whiskers' Note: "Deserved it. Called me a 'fat squirrel.'"
🦅 4. Crown Prince Yu Long, Azure Dragon General (Status: Napped & Enlightened)
Species: Imperial Thunder Dragon
Notable Traits: Son of the Azure Dragon King, storm-wielder, honorary poet
Encounter Summary: Came for revenge, got gently forced into dream-nap state, left spiritually transformed. Writes letters now.
Xi-Xi's Note: "He draws Whiskers-themed haikus every week!!"
🐦 5. The Storm Crane Envoy (Status: Vaporized by Accident)
Species: Divine Courier Crane
Notable Traits: Unclear. Did not live long enough to describe.
Encounter Summary: Attempted to deliver a duel challenge. Whiskers yawned and the crane ceased to exist.
Elder Mei's Marginalia: "Tragic. Also very, very funny."
🦝 6. Councilor Chitters of the Raccoon Spirits (Status: Befriended?)
Species: Lesser Moon Raccoon
Notable Traits: Wears a tiny ceremonial hat, speaks three dialects of squirrel
Encounter Summary: Carries Whiskers' floating palanquin during events. Whiskers allows him to nap nearby. That's probably friendship.
Whiskers' Note: "Useful. Doesn't speak unless bribed."
🐉 7. Lava-Song the Wyrm of Forgotten Echoes (Status: Ignored)
Species: Subterranean Memory Dragon
Notable Traits: Lives beneath the earth, speaks only in riddles, constantly on fire
Encounter Summary: Tried to start a conversation about existential dread. Whiskers fell asleep mid-monologue.
Xi-Xi's Note: "He sounded like a sad kettle."
🐿️ 8. Squeaks and Chirr the Squirrel Brothers (Status: Worshipful)
Species: Cloudnut Squirrels
Notable Traits: Collect shiny objects and "borrow" qi fruits
Encounter Summary: Built a shrine to Whiskers using twigs and bottlecaps. Pray to it nightly.
Whiskers' Note: "Unsettling devotion. But they bring snacks."
🐸 9. Madam Croaklotus of the Swamp Court (Status: Avoided)
Species: Enlightened Marsh Toad
Notable Traits: Powerful healer, composer of toad opera
Encounter Summary: Invited Whiskers to be guest of honor at her concert. He faked an allergy to amphibians and vanished.
Xi-Xi's Note: "Master hates opera."
🔥 10. Xi-Xi the Phoenix Chick (Status: Disciple, Nuisance, Favorite)
Species: Young Phoenix
Notable Traits: Excitable, flammable, chirps too loud, breathes sparkles
Encounter Summary: Hatched in the Azure Cloud Sect. Declared Whiskers her master before he had a chance to say no.
Whiskers' Note: "Exhausting. Loyal. Loud. Don't tell her she's my favorite."