SHNN NEWSROOM, SOMEWHERE, DAY
Intro plays. The logo gives way to an anchor room where a man sits down at the desk facing the camera.
JOEL
Our Top story today: At 6:12 AM this morning, a cuddly panda at The Szechuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries, China, suddenly gained sapience after a local scientist's experiment to teach it about depression backfired. Rather than becoming yet another supervillain, it seems the panda is disappointed in its species' ability to survive. Through images, we have deduced that its main grievances are with the panda's carnivorous gut tract, despite its exclusive bamboo diet. We suspect it may have prepared a manifesto, and the zoo has contacted Panda Man to help facilitate an exclusive interview. We'll be back with the rest of the story once the interview has been conducted.
Meanwhile, in Vatican City, the Pope has been pushing for the nomination of Jesus Christ as the first-ever superhero. He claims quote "Jesus Christ has all of the qualifications attributed to modern superhero, His unwavering compassion, selfless sacrifice, and profound teachings of love and forgiveness. His miracles, performed with God's grace, are equivalent to the Superhuman abilities present today, and His divine heritage only amplifies these heroic traits, unlike these modern c***s***ers. The church hereby officially recognises Jesus as the world's first superhero."
Of course, just because the church recognizes such, doesn't mean the entire world. The smelly basement dwellers who run the International Superhero Registry disagree with the Pope's claim, citing the fact that there must be verifiable proof of a superhero's superhuman power and emphasizing that 'The bible says it's so' is not proof. They also further commented that even if they did add him, which they won't, Undying still predates the birth of Jesus, so He'd be second place at best. This led to a heated back and forth between the two parties, culminating with the IRS sending an invitation to the Pope for a rap battle to settle things once and for all. The Pope readily agreed, and the battle is set for 2 weeks from now in Celio Park, Rome. You can buy a ticket to the event with our partner of the day, FlashTicket – the fastest ticket vendor near you.
Ad plays, news watchers everywhere take a break.
Welcome back, our next story comes from Downtown Manhattan, where Barrier Boy trapped his classmates in a school bus as they were commuting to school. Our sources say he was dissatisfied with America after watching a documentary on how cruelly animals are treated before they are slaughtered for human consumption. He was demanding ethically sourced chicken nuggets to be brought in exchange for the hostages. This sent their parents into a frenzy as they searched everywhere in a 1km radius for a fast food chain that was nice to the animals before indiscriminately killing them for our consumption. One resourceful parent managed to complete the request in a brief 2 hours. An interview with the parent revealed that after a brisk 1.5 hour wait in the nearest MecDonald's line, she bought a 6-pack of Mecnuggets and slapped an Organic sticker, that she purchased from a dollar nearby store, on the side, The children were noticeably ecstatic as they were released, but thankfully, that was soon corrected once they realized they had made it to school just in time for their math exam.
On other news, the Supreme Court has recently ruled that dramatically falling from a cliff as the camera cuts away to a reaction shot longer constitutes probable justification for declaring someone dead, especially a superhero. This is no doubt a response to that incident earlier this year, which resulted in 3/16ths of the Earth going missing for 3 seconds. In their ruling, they cited a very compelling statistics report showing that only 3.1415% of people who've fallen off cliffs in the last 30 years have actually died, with most of them returning in the sequel. This is, of course, a great detriment the organizations like Villains Everyday and Vill4Life, which are particularly fond of cliffs for the dramatic showdowns with heroes. Personally, I'm interested in knowing if waterfalls count in case there is another Sherlock vs Moriarty situation. Not interested enough to read all of that legal-speak, though, so I guess I'll never know until something like that happens again, or somehow this causes me to pay a waterfall tax.
NOTICES:
Residents of Lesa Street, Sharon, and Elaine Street in Hinesville, USA, who are feeling symptoms of nausea, vomiting, erratic memory loss, or any other symptoms that your local doctor can't explain, do not panic; a probable cause has been found. An anonymous tip has reported a potential infestation of Smiley Spiders in the area. These critters are known to climb into your mouth while you sleep and lay eggs inside your intestines, specifically between your duodenum and jejunum. An extermination crew is on route and the pests while be cleared up by the weekend. DO NOT try to stop the spiders on your own. Egg-bearing females are known to grow up to 2 meters, and feast on human flesh when threatened.
Text appears on screen showing that 2 meters = 6.5 feet and reassuring that local units will be given priority in future broadcasts.
For residents who are concerned about the eggs in their system, medical examiners have labelled them harmless and will be flushed out in 2-3 days with no lasting effects, but as always, consult with your doctor.
Now, for a message from the Durham safety community: The mole people are going to be migrating there in the next few days. Remember: DO NOT FEED THE MOLE PEOPLE. I know they look cute with their beady little eyes, but they still have that tendency to mix up that humans give the food with humans are the food. Since they are so small, they go after small humans, WHICH MEANS CHILDREN. If you cannot help yourself, please support the upcoming legislation that will officially denounce them as not human so that we can put a couple of them in zoos and drive the rest to extinction.
For all persons in the vicinity of Beitun Railway Station, Altay Prefecture, China, before 8:00 pm, beware of any hooded figures you see and follow the following protocol. If they have a green hood, run away, or you'll die. If they have a blue hood, you have 30 seconds to run towards them or you pass out till the next morning. If they have a pink hood, scream "I AM SO H***Y AND I AM S*X**LLY AR**SED BY ROTTING PEANUTS!" at the top of your lungs, or your hands will be glued together for the next hour. If they have a pink hood but a yellow circle on the back, you must instead shout, "DON'T TALK TO ME UNTIL I'VE HAD MY DAILY CUP OF URINE!" or you'll be forced to speak your thoughts out loud for the next two days. If they have a pink hood but a red circle on the back, they'll rob you of $50 CAD in 2006 adjusted for inflation if you shout anything. If you see an orange hood, that's just a homeless guy; keep walking. Consult with the local staff at Beitun Railway Station regarding any questions, concerns, or updates.
Nothing interesting is scheduled to happen this week in the weather, so enjoy the pre-recorded weather reports.
The live feed fades away and is replaced with a pre-recorded session that was recorded months ago. Viewers everywhere wonder if there isn't anything better that they could be using the Future Sight ability for.
Joel turns to the side while the report plays.
Bob… why did you blep those messages out? That was vital information that could've saved our clients… well, not their lives, not their dignity either—but something. Their weekend plans, maybe!
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We told legal this isn't a family show, this is NEWS! Why the hell are we on family friendly networks?! What do you mean there is a cartoon before and after this?!
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I AM MANAGEMENT! Oh, we live? Ahem…
And for our final report for today, if you live in one the following addresses:
1) 728 Cloverhill Avenue
Springfield, OH
USA
2) 14B Rosemont Crescent
Nottingham NG5
United Kingdom
3) 301 Via del Mare
Palermo, Sicily
Italy
4) 87 Gwangjin-ro 23-gil
Gwangjin-gu, Seoul
South Korea
5) 18 Rua das Laranjeiras
São Paulo, SP
Brazil
And can't find your home, don't think that you somehow forgot your way home or something crazy like that. No.no,no,no, heh-heh. Obviously, your houses were used as ammunition to help a space wizard fight against… what appears to be a sapient giant cloud of stars over in the Andromeda system, sorry our outer space camera needs updating. Though I must offer my congratulations to the Via del Mare household for being the only one to actually hit space cloud, I'm sure that'll be a cool story to tell around the fireplace… sorry, I meant cardboard box.
This has been Joel, signing out.