I rolled my eyes as I pulled out the pack of crackers from my pockets and handed it to Newt. He took them without hesitation, smug.
"It was a lucky guess," I attacked. "Had Christine not twisted her ankle her team would have won the game."
"Sure. Luck, no luck. Tomato, tomato. Fact is I won the bet, and I'm not sharing."
"Did not expect you to."
Newt shrugged at my comment.
"You know… you blame Christine, but it was actually Harry's fault that you lost. If he hadn't left the game to call for help for Christine, Tony and Lucas wouldn't have scored."
"Yeah, he was the only one to do something about it though. I can't hate him for that."
Newt raised his eyebrows. "Whatever you say."
We were silent for a couple of minutes. Our peers were about to start another game of soccer. Ash waved at us from the field. She wore her trademark worn out athletic leather jacket in spite of how hot it was outside. Newt and I waved back weakly.
"Such an attention seeker" I heard him mutter to himself after a sigh.
He wasn't wrong, but Ash was my friend, and I still felt protective over her. She was a handful, but she was my handful. "says the guy who would rather have no attention at all" I shot back.
Newt laughed unamused. 'Yeah, you would be right on that.'
'Wanna lose again? New game, new bet?' he asked.
"No. I'm out of crackers."
"I'm sure you have something else you can afford to lose."
"Believe it or not, I don't. I have absolutely nothing under my possession at the moment."
Newt rolled his eyes.
"I may want to play this round" I told him.
"Ew. Team sports. I don't like people in masses. Go play before they start without you."
I smiled, and then started heading towards the field. As I did I couldn't help but wonder at Newt like I often did. He was such as strange person - and one of my favorite people for the fact. He could have been popular if he wanted to. He had the looks, the brains and the charm, but he did not have the energy. He marched to the beat of his own drum. This one time, a staff member tried forcing him to join the soccer game with the rest of us, and Newt purposefully kicked the ball as far out of the soccer field as he was physically capable of. Then he turned to the staff, and curtsied. It was instant detention. However, I could never help but wonder if there wasn't more to it. Despite the punishment - in a way -he got away with exactly what he wanted, which was not to play. I think that game was also the first time Ash approached him - the moment he began to be inside her radar - maybe she saw something funny in it too.
By the time I got to the field Ash had noticed me approach and talked in her regular assertive manner to the other team leader. She grabbed me by the shoulder and told me I was on her team as midfielder. The game went on fine. We weren't a large number, five on one side and five on the other, but it was still a larger turnout that what we usually had at congregate care shelter we lived.
That afternoon I did get to block a couple of shots, for which I felt proud. Today didn't seem to be such a bad day for me. Half way through the first half, I saw Harry approach the field again - returning from the infirmary he helped Christine to. He waved from the sideline, and sat by Newt on the ground. Harry opened his backpack, pulled out a book as thick as a brick and tried to start reading before Newt snatched it away from him, eyed it, and handed it back. Harry shook his head, and opened it up. Newt threw himself lazily on the grass. That's when I noticed I should probably be paying more attention to the game than to my friends on the sideline. A sense of community wasn't the shelter's strongest suit. That's why the few friends I had mattered. I held tight to them as I knew they did to me.
Eventually, the captain from the other team called for a break. I joined up with Ash and we walked towards Harry and Newt by the sidelines.
"Hey man" Ash greeted.
Harry put his book down "Whats up?"
"How did it go with Christine?" she asked.
"She is gonna be fine. Twisted ankle," Harry answered.
"That's annoying," said Ash.
Harry shrunk his shoulders empathically. There was not really much else to be done. I nodded in understanding.
"What are you reading?" I asked next, moving on from the topic.
"Take a wild guess," Newt said from the ground.
"You haven't finished the philosophy book yet?"
Harry laughed humbly as he shrunk his shoulders.
"No I haven't. I actually read something recently that reminded me of us, and has been in my head for a while. Its called the rhetorical triangle, and it proposes three ways to appeal to an audience. You have ethos, which appeals to the audience based on empathy, logos which does so based on logic and ethos which does so based on ethics."
"And how did that remind you of us?" asked Newt.
"Because of the way we argue. You often argue from a place of logic, while Lilian is argues from a place of ethics, justice and self-righteousness."
"So that leaves you and me with pathos or empathy?" intervened in Ash.
"No, Harry is definitely is pathos, but you are more like irony." Joked Newt.
Ash shoved him on the shoulder.
"That's mean," defended Harry.
Newt pointed as Harry as he looked at Ash, "see what I mean?"
Ash rolled her eyes.
"Anyway, I agree with you that's interesting." Newt continued while grinning, "philosophy is just a bunch of people debating abstract concepts. It's the sweet spot between brilliant and petty."
"Petty?" refuted Harry.
I grabbed the book from Harry's hands, and eyed it quickly. It was heavy and with a rather simple white cover that read Main concepts in philosophy. I raised an eyebrow before handing it back.
"Are you having an existential crisis?" I asked as I passed it back to him.
Ash made a taken a back expression. "Jeez, I never know if Lilian means for her comments to cut like knives or if it just happens by accident."
"Same. But I think it just happens by accident," joked Newt.
I felt self conscious then, as if I had done something wrong. I didn't mean to imply the book wasn't interesting.
"Its okay Lilian. At least I never have to wonder what you are thinking." Harry said after noticing me shrink, then he exchanged a quick glance with Ash.
Ash place her hand on my shoulder. "I love you just like that though. It's refreshing." she said.
I smiled.
I noticed something off in Newt's expression. He wasn't laughing, he was looking at Ash - intrigued. As if there in front of him laid a piece of something he could not comprehend, and it either threatened or fascinated him. Maybe both. I used to think that Newt was intimidated by people who could freely express affection. It's something I have never seen him do.
"We should probably go eat soon." Harry said.
"soon," I agreed, but sat down next to him while pulling Ash down along with me. The four of us stayed there in silence for a couple of minutes while the rest of our peers chased the ball. Sometimes we didn't need to talk.
"I really want a hobby or something more productive to do with my free afternoons." Ash said after a while.
"You can join our unofficial book club discussions." said Newt referring to him and Harry. There was no actual book club. "I'm not joking. It's probably one of the few things that prevent me to get bored out of my mind."
"I don't know. I'll listen to your conversations, but I don't think I would want to read Main concepts in philosophy myself."
"I think one of the most satisfying things you can do with your time is work on one specific thing until you get really good at it. Maybe find a hobby that requires you to skill up," I offered. Aware I wasn't presenting Ash with ideas or options, but it was a start.
"I don't think you are wrong," added Harry.
"And what have you gotten really good at to speak with such confidence about it?" Ash asked Harry.
"In my case, rest," interjected Newt nonechalantly. "I'm getting really good at sleeping. Some day I'll break my record and sleep for 13 hours."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"I really hate you sometimes," Ash told him.
"No you don't. You think you do, but deep down you think I'm funny, and you are just frustrated that you can't do better one liners than me."
Ash raised her eyebrows. "yes, because I am dying to be a clown."
Now it was me and Harry to exchange a quick glance. This was their usual drill. Picking at each other like there was nothing better to do for entertainment.
At that moment, the rest of our peers playing started to head to the cafeteria facility.
I could see Harry stare in anticipation. "Let's head inside I want us to find a good table" he said.
The cafeteria area was not large either, but it was sufficient. White walls, and around fifteen tables for four people each. At the end of the room was the food service area, and to the side there was a TV on the wall showing the local news. The T.V. displayed a reporter standing in front of a large gray building and news heading that read, "Kronos facility for medical research accused of undergoing genetical testing with human DNA."
I squinted at the sight.
"Isn't Kronos part of the hospital complex that provides us with medical attention?"
Harry looked up at the TV skeptically. "It is," he confirmed. "Strange," he agreed before sitting at one of the tables. "Go ahead. I'll guard our table and go last."
Newt nodded and proceeded to join the line for the food. He wasn't about to further refute to Harry given he was making us a favor.
"What an ungrateful douche," Ash muttered eyeing Newt with disappointment. Then she turned to Harry. "Thank you man," she said before joining the line for the food.
I stayed behind for a second "why do you always do these kind of things?" I asked Harry.
"these kind of things?" Harry asked. Questioning my choice of words.
"Yeah. Taking care of people. I think you spread yourself too thin to catch anyone around you that falls. You'll run up empty if you keep putting yourself last. You wait for us to get food first as you guard our table. You were the first - and only one - to do something about Christine today. Why? What do you get out of it?" Harry eyed me, not entirely sure if he understood what was I asking.
"What kind of answer are you fetching for?"
I felt awkward again. As if my question was overstepping a social boundary I wasn't aware of.
Harry, again, interpreted my silence. He sighed. "Well, I guess I would want someone to look out for me too, I don't know. This conversation is too cerebral for the little energy I got left after today. Just go get your food."
I nodded, and got in line behind Ash. She was looking at the TV skeptically.
"what are you thinking?" I asked her.
"Anger at that" she answered firmly.
"Anger is a feeling not a thought" I told her. She blinked at me. I had her full attention for a second, and then she waved me off. "Sure," she said before advancing in the food line.
When we got back, it was her to ignite the conversation. She pointed at the TV, "so what are your thoughts on that?"
"gene editing?" Asked Harry. 'What do I think as in if it leads to the risk of artificial selection or as in if I think it is ethical to do it?'
"Both" said Ash.
"I dislike it for starters, but don't they use it to treat certain diseases? I don't think treating diseases is necessarily unethical," said Harry.
"Yeah, me neither, but then where do you draw the line?" added Newt. "SO why don't you tell us what you think Ash? Since you are bringing it up."
"I would rather respect life as is. Anything else makes me tremendously uncomfortable. I'm also not educated enough on the matter to speak honesty to it," she answered.
"I can applaud that" said Harry. "Admission of ignorance. You are already more self-aware than most people in this table for that alone." He eyed Newt as he said it. Newt rolled his eyes.
Ash smiled, but didn't say anything. Harry seldom threw her compliments. I thought she had a hard time receiving them. Neither her nor Newt know how to handle affection.
"Weren't you too tired for cerebral conversations?" I asked him.
Harry smiled at me. "Not really, I just didn't see a point in what you were asking me earlier." he said.
I shook my head disappointingly. "liar."
"It deeply it annoys me that you frown so much upon lying Lilian. You are like this Kant guy Harry has us reading about," interjected Newt backhandedly. Ash shook her head at me. Silently telling me to ignore Newt's unruly comment. "Anyway, what was she asking you earlier?" he asked turning to Harry. Curiosity has always been Newt's weakness.
"It's not worth it. I'm going to get food."
Newt turned towards me then "Will you tell me?" He asked, so I did.
By the time Harry got back, Newt was the first to take a shot at him. "Oh by the way, I do agree with Lilian over here. You are too nice for your own good, and I don't understand why."
"If you don't understanding, I am not going to explain it," said Harry lightly.
"I guess that's fair" said Newt as he stood up from the table with his tray on his hands. "I'll be back in a sec."
"So today's food wasn't too bad," said Ash looking at her half eaten plate.
"Chicken finger days are the best ones though," argued Harry.
"I'll take anything over processed mystery meat to be honest," I added.
Ash snorted. "Yeah, those days are disgusting. I often chose not to have lunch when that happens."
A couple of minutes later Newt was back with a second tray of food.
"Is it allowed for us to get seconds?" I asked him.
"Oh, I don't know. I just wanted more yogurt. Told the lady I lost my ticket. She didn't remember serving me."
I looked at him apalled.
"Yes Mrs. Justice, I falsely used my words. I would gladly take the yogurt along with the detention, and I really don't think they are running out of food any time soon so its not like I deprived anyone from eating."
"But if everyone did what you just did then there wouldn't be enough."
"Yeah, but not everyone is doing what I just did."
I was so angry.
"Are you going to tell on me?" he was testing me. I could tell.
"Yeah. Otherwise you'll continue abusing the system."
"But its a stupid rule."
"this one is not stupid. I'll overlook it when you break stupid rules, but not this one. They do calculate the food per person, and we are not that many."
Newt had not finished reacting when I was standing up to talk at one of the staff members in the serving area of the cafeteria.
As I talked to the staff member, I looked back to our table to see Ash bursting with laughter. She must have found the situation entirely ridiculous. Newt was looking back at her with annoyed incredulous eyes.
"Hi, I'm sorry. My friend got a second tray of food. He had already been served." The staff looked behind me and his eyes seemed to fall upon Newt. He seemed to recognize him. "Yeah, it's that trouble kid," he said before looking at me in the eyes, "thank you." I nodded and headed back.
"Loop hole, even if they do give me detention, I would still think it was worth it because I got to eat more yogurt."
"What kind of loop hole is that?" asked Ash.
"Unsure, but its good because it seems like that's exactly what he is getting," joined Harry as he pointed to the staff heading towards our table behind me.
Evidently, the staff just handed Newt a detention ticket. There was no conversation needed. When I sat back down he was shaking his head at me.
"I thought snitching was below you," he said, and then dropped it. That was it. That's when I learned something by accident. Something I had been slowly noting, but had not really been able to confirm: Newt would not jeopardize my friendship. I had not yet seen a limit to what he was willing to endure if not to keep me around. I hoped I never had to find out.
"Do you ever think of the day we leave this place?" asked Ash. The three of us looked at her then. The question had seem to come out of nowhere, but it was a very palpable reality most of us had been struggling with for a couple of months now.
"just every minute I'm awake," confessed Harry. The response came with a deeper tone of voice, as if it stemmed from a more vulnerable part of him. His eyes were shifty then.
"Yeah," agreed Newt nervously looking at the walls, as if scared for the days they wouldn't bet there to protect us. As if imagining what it would be like to have the alternative - the lack of a default roof over our heads. The four of us were roughtly the same age, but we came from different backgrounds and family situations. For starters, Ash and Harry had a family. An unsafe and dysfunctional family, but a family nonetheless. Newt and I didn't.
"Let's just promise we'll be each other's support network," I said scared.
Ash smiled "I thought that was obvious and implied."
"Nothing in this life is obvious and implied," said Newt to Ash's point. "But I agree" he added turning towards me.
Harry smiled a little, the fog of worry in his eyes lifting for a second. I thought I saw him nod, but it was such a small gesture I may have imagined it. "Well, for all sweet and obnoxious you guys are, I has stuff to do," he said as he stood up.
"what are you going to do?" asked Ash. "what could you have to do?"
"I wanna read." he sad.
"Of course," said Ash deflated. Such a Harry answer.
Harry waved and headed out. As simple as that.
"He can be rather aloof at times can't he?" said Ash.
I smirked.
"Does he think he'll find answers in the pages he reads so much?" asked Newt.
"I guess we can't blame him for trying," said Ash.
"Look who's talking. The one who rejects the our unofficial book club," said Newt.
"I don't want to get bullied," explained Ash. It was true, we were already the odd bunch of the shelter. The misfits. Ash was the only one from the four of us that actually had friends outside our small group. But who cared?
"You know. For someone who pretends to be so tough, you are probably have the weakest character from us four." I told her. It was a bad comment. I regretted it the moment I said it.
Ash looked back at me, hurt.
"Well I'm sorry I'm not as perfect. Hope you rot in hell. Have fun with your subordinate" she said as she stood up from the table, leaving me and Newt alone.
Newt raised his eyebrows at me, "what was that about?"
"It was too much, wasn't it?" I asked.
"Do you think? Learn to hold your tongue. You are not wrong, but there was no need to say something like that."
"I just rather she knows. How will she change if she doesn't know."
"Oh she knows, but you just kicked her while she was down." He paused, ordering his thoughts, "sometimes I can't believe I have more tact than you."
There was a small pause of silence as we both mulled over what had just happened.
"You want some stolen food?" He offered.
I laughed. "Sure, it's already a sunk cost. I'll take the apple."
Newt handed it to me, and we kept each other's company in silence.
That evening I hit the showers, and headed to their dormitories with the rest of the girls. As I walked into the room the first thing I saw was Christine surrounded by two other peers of ours. She had a newly installed band in her right foot, but other than that she seemed fine.
"I overheard Mrs. Santos that a couple will be interviewing tomorrow for fostering. Who do you think they would take?"
I sighed as I passed by them, maybe it was selfish, but she really hoped it wouldn't be any of my friends. I tried to make eye-contact with Ash to see if it would be safe to approach her, but Ash avoided my gaze in a very evident manner. I made a mental note to apologize to her the next day.
In the meantime I turned to the pile of things I had under my bed - the few things I owned. The book that Harry had lent me a couple of days back starred back at me. "Socrates: The unexamined life is not worth living", it ready. I grabbed it hoping it would boring enough to help me fall asleep.
It worked.