In the morning I had the enervation I have always since felt after these
dreams, and my usual disgust at having frigged myself; a feeling which
was not allayed when I looked at my night-shirt. I had a dread of
letting it be seen, but left things as they were. Mary and the cook made
my bed, and must have seen it. Servants see funny things on beds often.
I wonder what they say, and what they think about it. It can't be easy
for a young woman to see sheets, and night-gowns, spunk-stained; without
its effecting her imagination baudily, and paving the way for somebody
to stain sheets and linen with herself.
I gave up all idea of attacking Mary, but "cock and cunt will try to
get together." There is no use in resisting it. So again with no fixed
intention, but simply from pleasure for the time being, and impelled
by desire (all my silk handkerchiefs were gone and I was again without
money), and by opportunity, I got to courting, and we soon kissed. I had
pressed her belly against mine, got my hand on to the calf of her leg,
and was on the high road to the snatch at her cunt, which my experience
now told me was the right thing to do, when all came to an end.
I went daily to the W---- Office returning about half-past four. One day
when about half-a-mile from home, a lady in black silk and with a dark
veil approached me; but as if she had made a mistake, when close to me,
turned on one side and passed on. I looked back and saw she was standing
still, then on she went, and so did I, and had nearly forgotten her,
when I heard quick footsteps in the rear, and some one saying, "Mister
Walter, don't you know me?" I turned round, stopped and tried to see who
it was, but the veil prevented it. She hesitated an instant, then lifted
it, and I saw Charlotte.
With flushed face, bright eyes and a gentle smile, she looked exquisite.
My heart beat tumultuously, my love returned in an instant. I put my arm
round her, and regardless of the publicity of the place, gave a kiss.
There was it is true scarcely anyone about, but she as well as me when
I had done it, saw the impropriety. "Don't, for God's sake," said she,
"what will people think?" "Let us walk," said I, and pulling her arm
through mine, on we went; I looking into her face all the way, noticing
how much the time which had passed had improved her, and overwhelming
her with questions. I felt overjoyed, as if again I should possess her,
and old times had returned. She for a few minutes seemed to give way
to similar elation. Just then I saw a gentleman named Courtauld
approaching, he was our next-door neighbour. We nodded as we passed,
but the incident altered the current of our thoughts. I led her down a
turning where there were scarcely any people, and saying, "I am so glad
old Courtauld did not see me, for his brother lives just by us, and his
old servant is often there and knows me." She relapsed into silence. I
went on chatting of the happy times we had had, and the pleasures we had
tasted together. She remarked, "Oh! pray don't talk of that any more,
recollect I am married, let me say what I have come to say, and then I
must go."
"To say to me?" said I. "Pray don't misunderstand me, I thought you
would excuse it," said she getting confused, "besides it is my duty, and
of course knowing what I do about you, I was so afraid of something."
"What do you mean?" "Well if I had known where she was going to I would
have made mother stop it, now I come at once to ask you not to hurt
her." I proposed going into a small half-country ale-house close by, but
she refused saying, that if seen to do so, and it became known to her
husband, it might cause much harm. "Oh! no," said she in a hurry again,
"I must go, I must get back, I came to ask you not to hurt her, promise
you won't for my sake." All this time I was in a fog. "Who--who,--what
do you mean?" said I. "Oh you know,--Mary, I mean Mary, she is my
favorite sister, pray don't harm her." The whole affair was clear to me
at once. "It that what you came about?" I asked disappointed. "Yes, I
have been coming for a fortnight, but could not make up my mind; her
last letter made me determine at any risk to do so, and now dear,
promise me not to hurt her, and I will go."
I was annoyed and wounded in vanity, for I had almost brought myself to
think she had come for the pleasure of meeting me. I had no intention of
quitting her so soon, felt as if I could not, so chaffed her, "What do
you mean by hurting her?" "Don't talk nonsense, you know what I mean."
"Another case of cock and cunt coming together." "If you talk like
that, you insult me, and I did not think you would." "Well, I love you
and would not like to hurt your feelings, what you really mean is, that
I am not to try to do it to her." "Why of course, don't ruin her, that
is what I mean."
We had walked without any intention on my part to the outskirts of our
village, where the pew-opener's house was in which Charlotte and I had
spent many an hour in love's frolics. The house was in sight, the hope
of again having her came to my mind. In her excitement, which was as
great if not greater than mine, she had not noticed where we were, until
quite at the angle. The pew-opener was at the door, gave me a nod, and
thinking it possible I might be coming in I suppose, left the door ajar.
"Come in," said I. "Never! oh! no, you have brought me here purposely."
I saw there would be difficulty. "Here is that old Courtauld's
house-maid, damn her," said I. "Where,--where,--which way?" said she
looking in alarm in all directions, but unable to see clearly through
her veil. "There,--there," "just step inside the door till she has
past." She stepped in quickly, the next instant I half pulled, half
hustled her through the little door into the bed-room, slammed the door,
locked it, and stood still, half afraid of my own boldness. She went
to the window and began to peer through the blinds to see the old
housemaid.
"I can't see her," said she, "she must have passed, tell me which
way she went, and let me go." "Not yet. What do you want about Mary?"
"Promise for my sake, you won't try to ruin her." "Well, let us have
a longer talk, how do you know I want to do so?" "I know you do." "Sit
down." "I cannot." "Then I won't promise, why should I?" "Oh! don't be a
blackguard, don't oh! don't,--you shant have her, I will take care," and
then she burst out crying.
I loved her so that I felt I would do anything to please her; but wanted
her so much, that I could be cruel enough to do or say anything to have
her again. Desire was the stronger. The sofa, the bed, the room, her
beauty, all made me feel savage with lust, so I temporized. "I am so
excited," said I, "I scarcely know what to say, what to do, tell me
more, what you know, what you want, for all this stems so strange to
me,--sit down." "No." "Sit down only while you tell me." "No." But I
laid hold of her and pushed her on to the sofa, and there I held her,
and after beseeching her to be quiet and kiss me, she did so. Then she
sat for a minute, drying her tears, and began her tale and her request.