Freya was not expecting a dungeon to look like a luxury shopping mall.
She blinked, then blinked again. Nope. Still a marble floor, indoor waterfall, and mannequins wearing +3 Chainmail of Haute Couture.
"Are we... are we in the right place?" Freya asked, glancing at her party.
Koko the squirrel mage shrugged. "My spell said 'deepest cavern of despair and loot,' and this is definitely... deep. And despairing. For my wallet."
Beside her, Grizzlebeard the dwarf barbarian wiped a tear from his eye. "This is beautiful. It's like a dwarven temple, but with clearance racks."
Even ByteSize, their goblin rogue who had the fashion sense of a blind raccoon on a sugar rush, was mesmerized. "Can I loot the mannequin? That one's got a belt with at least +5 sass."
A sign flickered above the entrance to the first "store." It read: Dungeon: Retail Therapy
Freya sighed. Of course it was.
---
They stepped inside and were immediately greeted by a musical jingle that suspiciously resembled elevator music mixed with dramatic boss battle themes.
A floating orb, wearing a tie and a very smug aura, floated up to them. "Welcome to Dungeon: Retail Therapy. Please be advised that all monsters are on commission. Your satisfaction and your survival are our priorities—in that order."
Grizzlebeard growled. "I don't like smug orbs. They always trick me into buying things I don't need."
The orb's eye twitched. "Sir, would you like a complimentary enchanted shopping basket?"
"...Maybe."
Freya clapped her hands to draw everyone's attention. "Alright, team. Let's remember we're here to retrieve the Orb of Unnecessary Complexity. Supposedly it's in the deepest part of the dungeon, behind the checkout counter or something. Let's keep focus."
"Too late," ByteSize called from a rack of glittering boots. "I found +2 Boots of Fabulous Striding! And they come with sparkles!"
Freya pinched the bridge of her nose. This was going to take a while.
---
The first monster they encountered was a Clearance Wraith. It wore three scarves and floated ominously between racks of discontinued armor.
"Return policy... non-negotiable..." it hissed, throwing a bolt of disappointment magic at Freya.
She ducked, rolled, and countered with her strongest spell: Sarcastic Remark.
"Oh no! Not the ghost of last season's fashion choices!"
The wraith paused, hurt. Then it began to sob. "I used to be a spring collection..."
Grizzlebeard charged in, smashing it with his Battle Axe of Brutal Honesty. "Sorry, lad. Fashion is fleeting."
The wraith exploded into a pile of coupons.
"Score!" Koko squeaked, collecting them. "15% off enchanted cloaks!"
---
Deeper into the dungeon-mall hybrid, they encountered the dreaded Fitting Room Mimics. ByteSize narrowly escaped being eaten by one disguised as a rotating mirror.
"I swear it tried to make me look fatter," he whimpered.
Freya nodded. "Classic mimic tactics. They attack your self-esteem first."
Koko added, "And then your physical form. And your wallet."
The team battled past hangers that turned into serpents, perfume sprayers that dealt emotional damage, and an enchanted cash register that kept trying to upsell them insurance plans for their equipment.
By the time they reached the food court (yes, this dungeon had a food court), they were exhausted.
Grizzlebeard collapsed into a massage chair that immediately tried to drain his stamina.
"I can't tell if this is an attack or the best thing that's happened to me all week," he groaned.
ByteSize stole three trays of mysterious glowing pretzels from a vendor who turned out to be a very confused gnome.
Freya sat down next to Koko. "This has to be the weirdest dungeon we've done yet."
Koko nodded. "And we haven't even found the boss."
Just then, a loud booming voice echoed through the mall.
"Attention shoppers. The final sale begins in five minutes. All orbs must go. No refunds."
Freya stood up, drawing her sword. "That's our cue. Let's finish this."
---
The path to the boss lair took them through the Bath & Bewitchery section and past a suspiciously polite demon trying to sell them anti-aging skin cream.
At the final chamber, they found a giant crystal orb sitting on a pedestal shaped like a barcode scanner.
Hovering above it was the Dungeon Boss: Manager Prime—a terrifying blend of retail manager and eldritch horror, complete with headset, clipboard, and a soul-crushing smile.
"Welcome, valued customers. I see you've made it to our premium zone. I hope your shopping experience has been... enlightening."
Freya raised an eyebrow. "We're taking that orb."
Manager Prime tsked. "Oh, I'm afraid I can't allow that. Not without a membership card."
ByteSize screamed, "I KNEW THIS WAS A SCAM!"
Manager Prime raised their clipboard and summoned minions: dozens of Assistant Managers, all wielding customer complaint forms.
"Prepare yourselves," Freya said, gripping her sword. "It's time for the final markdown."
---
The battle was chaos. Grizzlebeard hurled discount signs like throwing axes. Koko rode a shopping cart into a group of Assistant Managers, unleashing fireballs from her paws.
ByteSize went full rogue, ziplining from clothes racks and stuffing every pocket with enchanted lip glosses. He claimed it was "for the buffs."
Freya dueled Manager Prime in front of the checkout altar, their swords clashing to the beat of an extremely aggressive elevator remix.
"Your customer service sucks!" she yelled, dodging a clipboard strike.
"We aim for excellence!" Prime hissed, their headset crackling with rage.
In a final move, Freya activated her ultimate ability: Manager Override, unlocked during a previous unfortunate side quest involving paper pushing.
"I demand a refund!" she screamed.
Manager Prime shrieked, vaporizing in a cloud of expired loyalty points.
---
The orb clattered to the ground. Freya picked it up.
Quest Complete: You have obtained the Orb of Unnecessary Complexity!
Rewards:
+1 Logic Puzzle Solving
+3 Resistance to Bureaucracy
A free tote bag
The party staggered out of the dungeon-mall hybrid, arms full of loot, bags, and one mysteriously glowing toaster.
"Next time," Freya muttered, "we pick a dungeon that doesn't offer seasonal discounts."
"But think of the loyalty points!" Koko squeaked, jingling her shopping bag.
Freya groaned. "I need a nap. Or a manager."
They laughed, limped toward the nearest inn, and agreed unanimously: this was the dumbest, most fabulous dungeon they'd ever done. And they'd totally do it again.