Sunlight is bleeding through the slats of the blinds like it's trying to confess something.
She's still asleep.
Jex, curled in the sheets like she's hiding from the world that trained her to obey it. One arm draped across my stomach. Her skin is warm. Too warm.
I stayed up that night, or until this morning. Didn't sleep. Was too afraid she might've tried something. She never did, and it felt like I wasted a golden opportunity to rest.
But who am I kidding? I was never going to sleep anyways, not after what I found out. Pushing it to the back of my head would've worked, but it didn't.
No matter how many times I tried.
He was there, he was on the bed, he was with me—whispering in my ear.
He was everywhere, and then nowhere.
Flugel, was everywhere, and then nowhere.
I don't know. Lying to myself isn't working anymore. It's not irritating, but just confusing. Had this happened any other time, I would've rolled my eyes and walk right past it.
But I can't even convince myself. I can't lie to myself perfectly. I don't know if I'm telling the truth, or I'm just skeptical.
But it still felt disgusting through and through.
My body moved slowly, not to stir her up. Slightly moving her arm away from me. She tossed and turned, but still slept.
On the edge of the bed, I took two steps into the bathroom. Bile still present in my mouth, vague, but there. I didn't even wash it away in the sink. Too tired too maybe.
Twisting the knob, and watching it go down the drain. I looked into the mirror, my reflection looking back at me. To mock me, maybe.
Six months, huh? It's going to be easy.
It hasn't even been the second. And I already feel like I want to run away. To quit and call it a day.
But I can't do that. I'm too deep into it. Nothing my dagger or a sword can do to unleash me. The place, the park, Flugel, the system.
It's all latched onto me.
And I can feel it—one by one, all on my back.
Shaking my head wouldn't do any good. Try to act like none of this was my fault? That I despise Flugel and play make-pretend as hero inside my head?
Am I even trying anymore?
Couldn't think any deeper. Hearing rustling from the bed, I could only assume it was Jex waking up. My hand gripped tighter on the countertop. Out of fear, out of cowardice, out of the suspense.
But she never came near me, I saw her in the mirror. She never looked at me directly, just putting on her clothes as if nothing happened. As if this was just another morning for her.
I envied that.
That with her mind, that it was just nothing more than another day at a fancy ranchouse, and another day of pleasing a Master who doesn't want to be one.
She stood there when she was done, head down. Couldn't look at me yet. Probably waiting for me to get out and actually acknowledge her for once.
But the Jex I knew wouldn't have waited. She would've made her self none, in a bright, starry way.
So.
It made me wonder if all of my progress with her was fake. On how I wanted to gain her trust. On how I thought our relationship was good.
Was she faking all of it? All of the smiles? All of it? Just to perform, and please?
Was…was I?
The revelation came a little later, but I didn't want to blame myself. That maybe, just maybe I could've caused this.
All of the performing, lies, and deceit.
That Jex might've picked up a thing or two.
Maybe she didn't trust me. Maybe she just adapted to me.
I thought I was being different. But maybe I just taught her how to survive me.
The same way Flugel had taught her…this.
Did I teach her how to fake my fakeness?
Am I any different than Flugel?
…am I Flugel?
There was a solid beat. Pause. Silence. I wanted to throw up again. Vomit. Do it violently. Do it ugly. Make sure that this was something I'd never forget.
But for some reason, I held it back. Keeping the wave of nausea over me.
I don't need anymore reasons to feel disgusted. My own body does already.
And in a way, I might be disgust personified.
I was staring into the mirror for too long, Jex called out to me.
"I…I…" She trailed. I turned around. Our eyes didn't lock—her blue fled from my hazel, dodging, averting, like she was scared of what she'd see.
Her hand pointed to the door, and to be honest, I didn't know what she could've intended. Or meant. I just hoped it was cleaning. More cleaning. Something boring. Something safe.
"...yeah." It came out quieter than I thought. Jex didn't bow or smile, but just turned, and walked away.
There I was. Standing. Disgusted. Sitting in my own…my own rot.
This didn't feel good. None of it felt good. And for some reason, I kept thinking there was someone who was going to save me. Pull me out of this. Be the knight in shining armour.
Because I clearly failed to do it.
My morning routine was hazy, lazy, and just the normalcy I wanted again. I wore the fur-lined hoodie, alongside the orange poncho again to keep me. It felt heavier than usual. I don't know if it was from the lack of sleep, or the lack of energy. Maybe both. Maybe none.
I stepped slowly down the curled stairs, seeing the dining table already set. Rei sitting down, still with her journal. A slight chuckle came out from me. At least one of them likes the gift.
Jex was nowhere to be found, most likely in the kitchen, and I was more appreciative of that than I thought. My body wouldn't ease, nor calm down. A slightest flinch from her movements within the kitchen.
I took a seat, Rei noticed me easily.
"M-Morning Master…!"
Her voice, cheery, not stagnant, full of emotion. Not timid, or scared. Her orange eyes used to look dim, but now it was replaced with something else I couldn't quite land.
Appreciation? Admiration? Devotion?
Whatever it was, I didn't want it. Not now. The last time I mistook it for that, things didn't end well.
I waved, "Morning to you to, Rei."
She smiled, and I don't even know if she could tell the tone of my voice. Maybe just happy to receive one after all. She continued to write, but it's not anything I can read. Just looks more like random glyphs to me.
But she's content with whatever she's writing. Whatever she's putting down.
I wonder what she writes about.
It wasn't long before Jex returned. My leg bounced on it's own autonomy. Already jumping from the suspense. She didn't look at me, and set the food down.
This time, she didn't sit across from me. Across from Rei, instead.
She's making it more obvious. This is not comfort. Not comfort in knowing that she too, is also bothered by it. Even if she tries to hide it.
We ate silently. And for once.
This morning had no Breakfast Roulette. Jex didn't open her mouth. Rei wasn't obnoxious, she noticed. Her eyes darted between Jex and I.
And she spoke.
"Is...is everything okay?"
I bit on my food too hard, clenched tight onto my jaw.
I look over to Jex, she's not saying anything. She's silent.
No, no, no.
Not here, not now.
Don't explain it. Don't ruin Rei's morning. Don't drop that weight into her hands.
Just smile, and perform. One more lie.
I force a grin, "Everything's fine. Let's just eat, yeah?"
Rei smiles, nervous and brittle. I can't tell if it's fear or doubt. But I can see it—the silence is chewing on her too.